214 days later

Today, on the Friday of EDAW 2014 (eating disorders awareness week), is the 214th day of my admission into 'The Retreat' in York for my eating disorder. Today I managed to enter the hospital's bake off competition with a cake I had made... at the last bake off, held in September, I had managed to only just stay in the room because of the strength of the smell of the cakes. A lot has changed in the last 31 (approx.) weeks. I would love to say that I'm recovered but that wouldn't be true at all, but I can safely say I'm well on the start of the long journey that will  be my recovery from my eating disorder. Eating disorder awareness week is an important week of raising awareness and funds mainly for the UK eating disorder charity B-eat who do a really amazing job of supporting and helping those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are a condition that can affect anyone at any time in their lives. I have had the privaledge to complete my journey on the 'Naomi program' with some of the strongest women I have ever met. 

Eating disorders come in all different varieties. I think the common misconception is that eating disorders only affect young, white women who choose to restrict their food intake until they are very underweight. Weight isn't an indication of how unwell a person is. During the time I have had my eating disorder, I have been a variety of different weights and even though I am now maintaining a healthy weight, I still very much have an eating disorder. 

For me, my eating disorder wasn't really about the food or my weight. It has/had a lot more functions than I ever realised but I'm now learning a new way of life and slowly but surely I'm fighting for the life I want to be living and the future I want. I think of eating disorders like having a glass of fruit juice that's been diluted. The sufferer is the fruit juice and their eating disorder is the water. The eating disorder dilutes the person until it's hard to see them but with help they can find themselves again and gradually get more concentrated. The person is there, it can just be hard to see them. I've blogged about my eating disorder before and I encourage people to read and to learn more about eating disorders. They aren't the stereotypes that are shown to us in the media e.t.c. they are so different from person to person and unfortunately there isn't any one cure for them. 

Dog walking after Christmas, learning to love the 'recovered me'

When I agreed to come on to the Naomi program, I had agreed to be here for 6 weeks. Six weeks has become what will be nine months as an inpatient, something I really didn't think I needed when I started this part of my journey. It's funny, I thought I could do a quick fix of treatment and be better. I am so glad I stayed and am on the way to completing the full Naomi program. I've learnt so much about myself and so many really useful skills that I really hope will equip me to be really recovered one day. I believe I will be and I urge anyone who is worried about their relationship with food to get help. It's so worth it to not have to be completely controlled by food and be able to actually experience life. B-eat have recently completed some research into the cost of eating disorders in the UK and an overwhelming message is that earlier interventions and help would reduce the amount of money spent on eating disorder treatment... in other words, if you seek support earlier you can get well quicker. 

For me, recovery is becoming a norm that often I don't really like but can manage. It's not all rosy and nicey-nicey, sometimes it's rubbish but the promise of it not being rubbish forever keeps me going. You can't experience the good without having to experience the difficult too and I am sure I want to strive for the good! 

I'm tired so no doubt my blog tonight might be a bit of a waffly muddle, but hopefully I will have come close to doing justice to what an important topic this is! 

You've got the love I need to see me through

So... as a mental health blogger, I have always alluded to the fact I have experiences of mental health issues but haven't been fully open about it all. It just wasn't the right time and I think there's always a right time for these kind of things, and that seems like now. Plus, it's a chance to let my friends know where I'm going to be for the next month and a half. 

I've decided that being a human can be tricky, there's no manual that lets you know how to deal with different situations and sometimes it would be really lovely if there was something to refer back to when times are hard. I've developed some rather maladaptive coping mechanisms over the years and it's surprising to see how quickly the odd things you do every now and again can catch up with you. It can take a while before you think your little quirks are actually turning into a bit of a problem. 

I hate labels with an almighty burning passion. I think, especially for my variety of maladaptiveness, a label can be something that burdens you. I've found myself in the uncomfortable criteria of disordered eating. It's interesting that when you have a difficulty with food, the thing that becomes key to whether you're going to receive support and treatment is your BMI. Now if I ruled the world, BMI could go and die in a hole, BMI is a stupid measure! It doesn't take into account muscle mass and hydration, whether you've peed or not... and above all it doesn't measure anything within your head. The key to an eating disorder is that in reality it's nothing about food or weight at all. The food behaviours and weight changes are a symptom of an underlying problem... whether that's control, low self esteem, OCD... anything really. It makes me cross that the system we currently have relies on people being very poorly and underweight to receive the right treatment, I think treatment should start early and work to help people BEFORE they reach that point... but I suppose that's an argument for another time. 

So... I went from worrying a little about my weight, to being totally encompassed mentally and physically with an eating disorder. One of the ways I've tried to describe it to friends, family and professionals before is like that kind of conscience feeling when you leave the house and you know you've forgotten something; that feeling deep in your stomach that something is amiss but you can't quite put your finger on what it might be. Well imagine that but the only way you can get rid of it is to place all of your self worth on what you're going to eat or not going to eat, what you weigh or should weigh or did weigh or will weigh... then imagine that feeling being the background of everything. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder... of course I'm just speaking for myself right now, everyone's experiences are different. But I think it is quite common for eating disorders to become very overpowering, the illusion of control controls you. It's like it's the filter in which everything in life has to pass through. To be quite honest it's exhausting. 

Now my friends and family are bloody amazing! They've put up with my 'battiness' for such a long time and have just been there for me and loved me throughout it, something I can't thank them enough for. I'm better than I was, but there's still a long way for me to go to stop reverting to my coping mechanisms as soon as life seems a bit scary. So I've been offered a really amazing opportunity, to spend some time in an inpatient program to have some really intensive treatment... fingers crossed I'll come out in 6 weeks and be a lot better than I am. I'm not content with being able to function WITH my eating disorder, I want to kick it's arse and be done with it. I'm bored of being poorly now, I want my life back and I've got a hell of a lot to be looking forward to that just isn't compatible with anorexia. So... starting on Monday 4th August, I'll be hanging out in 'food prison' for 6 weeks... hopefully I'll make the most of my little stint in rehab and come out and start the next chapter of my life with all the people I love and care about. 

Before I finish I just want to dispel a few eating disorder myths that are just pants: 

• Eating disorders are NOT just for white british teenage girls- anyone at any age and gender can be affected 
• You don't have to be visibly underweight to have an eating disorder- my rather distasteful joke has always been that I am a 'fat anorexic'. You can be very poorly and outwardly still look ok. Weight is not a measure of how unwell someone is and is definitely not something you can use to tell if someone has an eating disorder
• Eating disorders are an illness and it's not something to be ashamed of- I spent a long time feeling embarrassed that I couldn't deal with food properly and that I wasn't able to be 'normal'. A massive part of me getting better has been to be able to be honest and say... actually I'm not ok, but I'm getting better. 
• You don't have to treat someone with an eating disorder differently, unless you fancy giving them extra love and hugs... thats totally ok! I'm still me, I'm just poorly right now, but I won't be forever. 
• Recovery is possible! And I'm going to do it! 

I urge anyone who is worried about their eating to seek help as soon as they can and if you don't get it, keep asking until you do. No-one deserves to be poorly! 

Love Kate xx

You can get support from the eating disorder charity B-eat and also Men Get Eating Disorders Too! 

Mindfullness in the form of baking

Being mindful is a form of self awareness- something that's a real popular buzz word in the mental health field at the moment. Practicing mindfulness is seen to be really beneficial for positive wellbeing and there are many ways to do it.

I found a pretty mindful activity in the form of baking with my other half Beth yesterday. Have a look at her blog for the recipe and baking wisdom. I am currently writing this with the smell of freshly baked bread wafting through the house!!

So we made some bread. Well.... Beth did some proper baking... she made an 8 stranded plait with mozzarella, pesto and herbs in it.... it was pretty impressive. Beth is a rather talented baker to say the least. She basically did all the baking and then left me to revert to being a small child again and gave me some dough to play with/make into cute shapes and just generally have some fun with!!

Here's what I made... the before and after pictures...


From right to left the ingredients are as follows:

1- Mustard seed roll

2- Caper roll

3- Garlic and parsley knot which has got the unfortunate appearance of a turd....

4- Parmesan, garlic and parsley plait

5- Should be a poppyseed pinwheel but the picture went funny and didn't load... but it is pretty honest!

6- Herby roll with mustard seeds, basil, parsley, mixed herbs, garlic and poppy seeds

7- A baked Stitch!

So... the process of baking involves patience and time. The bread requires a lot of kneading, especially if you're trying to put stuff into it e.g. herbs e.t.c. Also if you want to make an interesting shape like a plait or a knot then you need to have the patience to keep rolling the dough out as it's really springy and likes to go back to the original shape if it gets the chance.

So... clearly I am lacking in artistic and baking skills. However back to the original point I was making.... this is a really good activity for mindfulness.

Here are the pictures of the finished products! I was rather pleased with my effort!

And from a mindful point of view, I really found the process of making the bread really great for focusing on what I was doing and being able to just clear my mind and do something that wasn't too taxing but was a beneficial thing to be doing.

Beth and I then spent the next part of the afternoon doing some papier mache... who says we're grown up hey?!

A lovely relaxing a industrious day well spent I feel.

Loves xxxx

Sleepy ramblings with rain relaxation

I decided to spend the weekend at home. I love being at home but one problem I always have is the fact that being home muddles up my sleeping pattern. Both my Mum and sister are early risers... I mean really early risers. They both have an ability to be awake and fully functioning early in the morning. Something I develop an adversity to whilst being back in York. Not only are they able to be awake, cheery and fun; but they also have a habit of having conversations that tend to wake me up!! They know I still love them despite this irritating habit. Due to their earlybird nature, they also both go to bed early in order to be able to wake up early. Again this is something that isn't rather compatible with student timings. Whilst at home I quickly slip into the early-to-bed early-to-rise routine and therefore return to York with a bit of a wonky sleeping pattern; aiming to stay awake later with my housemates but undoubtedly waking up early as my body wants me to be awake as per Suffolk-time. The result of this is usually a week of being rather sleepy and grumpy!!

Today I was wide awake just before 6am, determined to get back to sleep and be victorious over my body clock... however this was not to be so... and I find myself wide awake at 7am having been so for over an hour... HUMPH! Clearly today will feel long...

Anyway... this is just the background to today's entry. During my hour of attempting to get back to sleep... browsing on Etsy on my phone (the fact I had yet to open my laptop at this stage demonstrated my determination to remain asleep... my phone clearly doesn't count!); I came across the inspiration for a blog. Now for me to have such a strong blogging idea is something rather unusual. I am definitely developing the view that writing is very cathartic and therapeutic; something I am keen to do and enjoy a great deal. However, often strong inspiration takes it's sweet time coming to me. So... alas today was a unique experience of morning inspiration.

So my idea for today... now that it's had one heck of a build up and will undoubtedly now end up sounding like a bit of an anticlimax... HA! Basically I was thinking about mental health problems, as you do, and was thinking of a way to try and describe the constant battle an individual who has them faces each and everyday to someone who perhaps hasn't had this kind of experience. The idea that came to be as I attempted to doze was that of two dogs who were forced to be together who didn't get along. Now bear with me... there is solid 6am reasoning behind this of course!!

Imagine the scene. There are two dogs out on a walk who are on one of those funky double leads. They have something they are both trying to do (go on a walk) which represents someone with mental health problems trying to kind of get along and through each day. So.... these two dogs... one represents the person (let's go for the little dog) and the other represents the mental health issue (let's go for the black dog for depression symbolism too.... wooo check out all this symbolic-ness!). Check out funky diagram!

So... these two pooches are pretty excited to be on their walk... the trouble is they don't get along at all. There are the obvious issues that they each have different length legs, so one walks faster than the other which is irritating for both or them. Also the black dog doesn't really feel like walking after all and wants to go in a different direction and stop to sniff different things along the way. Basically the two of them aren't really compatible, but they can go for little periods where they can get along on and make compromises for each other and manage their walk. They're not happy about it... but they manage to do it with some kind of normality. Apart from anything... whilst not really getting along, they have to remain about 2 feet away from each other at all times. They're together if one of them needs to take a dump, or stop for a drink or even while one of them takes a moment to sniff another dog's backside. They are forced to share all of these experiences together. Obviously at points it all gets too much for them and conflict erupts. If you've ever seen two dogs having a spat who are forced to be in such close proximity... it's a bit messy and violent. 

So what am I trying to get at? For someone with a mental health issue.... and I really feel this analogy works for a whole host of mental health problems... there is a constant battle with the individuals own form of 'black dog'. There's something there beside them or within them that constantly makes things difficult for them whilst trying to do everyday things, whether these are mundane things or something a little more unusual. Rather like the dogs on the lead, often it's possible to muddle through or carry on as normal as possible, but the mental health problem is always there in the background. I think however there's a certain sense of empowerment about this. The mental health problem is close and part of the person but it can be temporary... the dogs don't have to be on their shared lead forever... the mental health problem can be moved further and further away until it has less of an impact (through different coping mechanisms and self development) or it can be separated from the person entirely. 

I wonder if this little analogy will seem a bit pants later on today. But right now I like it and I'm going to run with it. Perhaps now I've written it down I might be able to have a snooze for an hour or so before accepting defeat and properly waking up. On the subject of therapeutic things, it's raining. The sound of rain is one of the most relaxing things ever for me. In terms of my analogy... my own personal black dog gets soaked when there's rain and left outside in a puddle! I love the sound of rain on the rooftops or on a window. Back home in Suffolk I have a sky light above my bed which amplifies the sound and acts as the best relaxation soundtrack ever. I guess I'm not as huge a rain fan if I have to go out in it and get soggy, it was a real pet hate when I used to do all of my horsey things. Wet, muddy rugs are the worst and tend to get you drenched and filthy as soon as you touch them... but when I know I can spend a good majority of the day inside watching the weather and having a play with my new little vintage jewellery shop... it's just bliss! 

Anyway... I'm going to stop there. I hope you have gained some insight or enjoyment from the ramblings of someone who is clearly not properly awake/totally insane. 

Loves xx