214 days later

Today, on the Friday of EDAW 2014 (eating disorders awareness week), is the 214th day of my admission into 'The Retreat' in York for my eating disorder. Today I managed to enter the hospital's bake off competition with a cake I had made... at the last bake off, held in September, I had managed to only just stay in the room because of the strength of the smell of the cakes. A lot has changed in the last 31 (approx.) weeks. I would love to say that I'm recovered but that wouldn't be true at all, but I can safely say I'm well on the start of the long journey that will  be my recovery from my eating disorder. Eating disorder awareness week is an important week of raising awareness and funds mainly for the UK eating disorder charity B-eat who do a really amazing job of supporting and helping those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are a condition that can affect anyone at any time in their lives. I have had the privaledge to complete my journey on the 'Naomi program' with some of the strongest women I have ever met. 

Eating disorders come in all different varieties. I think the common misconception is that eating disorders only affect young, white women who choose to restrict their food intake until they are very underweight. Weight isn't an indication of how unwell a person is. During the time I have had my eating disorder, I have been a variety of different weights and even though I am now maintaining a healthy weight, I still very much have an eating disorder. 

For me, my eating disorder wasn't really about the food or my weight. It has/had a lot more functions than I ever realised but I'm now learning a new way of life and slowly but surely I'm fighting for the life I want to be living and the future I want. I think of eating disorders like having a glass of fruit juice that's been diluted. The sufferer is the fruit juice and their eating disorder is the water. The eating disorder dilutes the person until it's hard to see them but with help they can find themselves again and gradually get more concentrated. The person is there, it can just be hard to see them. I've blogged about my eating disorder before and I encourage people to read and to learn more about eating disorders. They aren't the stereotypes that are shown to us in the media e.t.c. they are so different from person to person and unfortunately there isn't any one cure for them. 

Dog walking after Christmas, learning to love the 'recovered me'

When I agreed to come on to the Naomi program, I had agreed to be here for 6 weeks. Six weeks has become what will be nine months as an inpatient, something I really didn't think I needed when I started this part of my journey. It's funny, I thought I could do a quick fix of treatment and be better. I am so glad I stayed and am on the way to completing the full Naomi program. I've learnt so much about myself and so many really useful skills that I really hope will equip me to be really recovered one day. I believe I will be and I urge anyone who is worried about their relationship with food to get help. It's so worth it to not have to be completely controlled by food and be able to actually experience life. B-eat have recently completed some research into the cost of eating disorders in the UK and an overwhelming message is that earlier interventions and help would reduce the amount of money spent on eating disorder treatment... in other words, if you seek support earlier you can get well quicker. 

For me, recovery is becoming a norm that often I don't really like but can manage. It's not all rosy and nicey-nicey, sometimes it's rubbish but the promise of it not being rubbish forever keeps me going. You can't experience the good without having to experience the difficult too and I am sure I want to strive for the good! 

I'm tired so no doubt my blog tonight might be a bit of a waffly muddle, but hopefully I will have come close to doing justice to what an important topic this is! 

Mindfullness in the form of baking

Being mindful is a form of self awareness- something that's a real popular buzz word in the mental health field at the moment. Practicing mindfulness is seen to be really beneficial for positive wellbeing and there are many ways to do it.

I found a pretty mindful activity in the form of baking with my other half Beth yesterday. Have a look at her blog for the recipe and baking wisdom. I am currently writing this with the smell of freshly baked bread wafting through the house!!

So we made some bread. Well.... Beth did some proper baking... she made an 8 stranded plait with mozzarella, pesto and herbs in it.... it was pretty impressive. Beth is a rather talented baker to say the least. She basically did all the baking and then left me to revert to being a small child again and gave me some dough to play with/make into cute shapes and just generally have some fun with!!

Here's what I made... the before and after pictures...


From right to left the ingredients are as follows:

1- Mustard seed roll

2- Caper roll

3- Garlic and parsley knot which has got the unfortunate appearance of a turd....

4- Parmesan, garlic and parsley plait

5- Should be a poppyseed pinwheel but the picture went funny and didn't load... but it is pretty honest!

6- Herby roll with mustard seeds, basil, parsley, mixed herbs, garlic and poppy seeds

7- A baked Stitch!

So... the process of baking involves patience and time. The bread requires a lot of kneading, especially if you're trying to put stuff into it e.g. herbs e.t.c. Also if you want to make an interesting shape like a plait or a knot then you need to have the patience to keep rolling the dough out as it's really springy and likes to go back to the original shape if it gets the chance.

So... clearly I am lacking in artistic and baking skills. However back to the original point I was making.... this is a really good activity for mindfulness.

Here are the pictures of the finished products! I was rather pleased with my effort!

And from a mindful point of view, I really found the process of making the bread really great for focusing on what I was doing and being able to just clear my mind and do something that wasn't too taxing but was a beneficial thing to be doing.

Beth and I then spent the next part of the afternoon doing some papier mache... who says we're grown up hey?!

A lovely relaxing a industrious day well spent I feel.

Loves xxxx

Appearances can be deceiving

I was inspired to write something this evening after reading my wonderful friend Anna's blog. Anna has already featured in my blog recently... but hey she's so freaking awesome that she might as well have another mention! Anna blogs about mental health in a really brutally beautifully honest way. I think it's really reflective of how we should all talk about mental health issues. There's way too much stigma and avoidance about talking about it and as these issues can affect 1 in 4 people.... that's a BIG reason we should be shouting about it and making sure everyone knows. 

Anna's recent blog post chatted about the misconceptions of mental health. I came across this Marilyn Monroe quote recently and thought the two fit together beautifully. There always seems to be a certain element of surprise when people 'come clean' about having a mental health issue. Even I HATE that turn of phrase... but I'm using it to kind of reinforce and demonstrate my point. There's a feeling of 'wow... but you don't seem mad' or just a lack of realisation that people who struggle with mental health can totally look like normal people... Shock horror I know!!! I realise it's rather unbelievable that all people with a mental health problem don't wear a sign or a badge that says 'hey, I'm cray!!' but they don't... and often a huge part of the problem is hiding the fact there's a problem!!! 

So today I want to chat about a wonderful project called Time to Change  one of their current campaigns is called 'Talk about mental illness: we dare you'. I personally suffer from some mental health problems... not quite ready to completely talk about them out in the open... but I'm getting there and I think it's massively positive to do so. So yeah.... let's all talk mental health and move away from some of these crappy preconceptions and misconceptions. 

Loves xx