You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome- Patch Adams

I watched Patch Adams today, starring the wonderful Robin Williams. The films is about Hunter Doherty 'Patch' Adams, an American Physician who founded the Gesundheit institute in 1971. The film tells the story of how Adams, whilst an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital following a suicide attempt, made a link between individuals mood and wellbeing and their recovery from physical illness. The key to treating patients was to do so in a holistic manner, looking at their health in terms of their family, community and the world around them. The film was semi-biographical, Patch Adams a real doctor and activist and generally inspirational man.

The real Patch Adams at the Gesundheit Institute

The story of Patch Adams really interested me as it seemed to have similarities to the history behind The Retreat, where I am currently an inpatient... just many hundreds of years earlier. The Retreat was opened in 1796, pioneering humane and moral treatment for those with mental health problems. It became a model for asylums all over the world and really pioneered the reform of mental health treatment. The Retreat was opened by William Tuke following the death of Leeds Quaker, Hannah Mills, who died in York Asylum in 1790 in appauling conditions. Tuke and his family vowed that never again a Quaker should endure the treatment that Hannah Mills had suffered; gradually the hospital catered for all individuals and retained the essence of the early views of moral treatment for patients.

Robin Williams in 'Patch Adams' 

Holistic treatment for those with mental health problems has always been something I have felt really strongly about. Through my own experiences and seeing the experiences of others, it seemed so glaringly obvious that the only way someone could recover from a mental illness was if they were treated as a whole individual, not just helped by firefighting their symptoms. For me, the real start of my recovery from my eating disorder and first time I have properly made progress with making real changes came from being at The Retreat. 

Interestingly, in this year 's 'Sock it to eating disorders' campaign masterminded by B-eat, a new report into the chose of eating disorders to the UK economy was launched. It indicated how inconsistent treatment was for individuals across the country and the outcome of this was eating disorders costing the national economy tens of billions of pounds. The report outlines B-eat's views on early intervention and focused treatment for individuals and a more holistic treatment of individuals with eating disorders. 

I think a lot of eating disorder treatment focuses on stabilising individuals but doesn't work on the psychological aetiology of their illness or working on making their lives recovery focused to help prevent them from relapsing by giving them real purpose and meaning through the activities that they take part in and do. For me, this has been the key to embarking on the road to recovery, it's been about all of me, not just the illness. 

For those who are recovery in different settings, try and look at the bigger picture and move the focus away from the minute details of your illness. If you can't see your reasons for recovery and the things you can get from recovery, then the focus remains so inward and recovery is so much more challenging.

214 days later

Today, on the Friday of EDAW 2014 (eating disorders awareness week), is the 214th day of my admission into 'The Retreat' in York for my eating disorder. Today I managed to enter the hospital's bake off competition with a cake I had made... at the last bake off, held in September, I had managed to only just stay in the room because of the strength of the smell of the cakes. A lot has changed in the last 31 (approx.) weeks. I would love to say that I'm recovered but that wouldn't be true at all, but I can safely say I'm well on the start of the long journey that will  be my recovery from my eating disorder. Eating disorder awareness week is an important week of raising awareness and funds mainly for the UK eating disorder charity B-eat who do a really amazing job of supporting and helping those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are a condition that can affect anyone at any time in their lives. I have had the privaledge to complete my journey on the 'Naomi program' with some of the strongest women I have ever met. 

Eating disorders come in all different varieties. I think the common misconception is that eating disorders only affect young, white women who choose to restrict their food intake until they are very underweight. Weight isn't an indication of how unwell a person is. During the time I have had my eating disorder, I have been a variety of different weights and even though I am now maintaining a healthy weight, I still very much have an eating disorder. 

For me, my eating disorder wasn't really about the food or my weight. It has/had a lot more functions than I ever realised but I'm now learning a new way of life and slowly but surely I'm fighting for the life I want to be living and the future I want. I think of eating disorders like having a glass of fruit juice that's been diluted. The sufferer is the fruit juice and their eating disorder is the water. The eating disorder dilutes the person until it's hard to see them but with help they can find themselves again and gradually get more concentrated. The person is there, it can just be hard to see them. I've blogged about my eating disorder before and I encourage people to read and to learn more about eating disorders. They aren't the stereotypes that are shown to us in the media e.t.c. they are so different from person to person and unfortunately there isn't any one cure for them. 

Dog walking after Christmas, learning to love the 'recovered me'

When I agreed to come on to the Naomi program, I had agreed to be here for 6 weeks. Six weeks has become what will be nine months as an inpatient, something I really didn't think I needed when I started this part of my journey. It's funny, I thought I could do a quick fix of treatment and be better. I am so glad I stayed and am on the way to completing the full Naomi program. I've learnt so much about myself and so many really useful skills that I really hope will equip me to be really recovered one day. I believe I will be and I urge anyone who is worried about their relationship with food to get help. It's so worth it to not have to be completely controlled by food and be able to actually experience life. B-eat have recently completed some research into the cost of eating disorders in the UK and an overwhelming message is that earlier interventions and help would reduce the amount of money spent on eating disorder treatment... in other words, if you seek support earlier you can get well quicker. 

For me, recovery is becoming a norm that often I don't really like but can manage. It's not all rosy and nicey-nicey, sometimes it's rubbish but the promise of it not being rubbish forever keeps me going. You can't experience the good without having to experience the difficult too and I am sure I want to strive for the good! 

I'm tired so no doubt my blog tonight might be a bit of a waffly muddle, but hopefully I will have come close to doing justice to what an important topic this is! 

You've got the love I need to see me through

So... as a mental health blogger, I have always alluded to the fact I have experiences of mental health issues but haven't been fully open about it all. It just wasn't the right time and I think there's always a right time for these kind of things, and that seems like now. Plus, it's a chance to let my friends know where I'm going to be for the next month and a half. 

I've decided that being a human can be tricky, there's no manual that lets you know how to deal with different situations and sometimes it would be really lovely if there was something to refer back to when times are hard. I've developed some rather maladaptive coping mechanisms over the years and it's surprising to see how quickly the odd things you do every now and again can catch up with you. It can take a while before you think your little quirks are actually turning into a bit of a problem. 

I hate labels with an almighty burning passion. I think, especially for my variety of maladaptiveness, a label can be something that burdens you. I've found myself in the uncomfortable criteria of disordered eating. It's interesting that when you have a difficulty with food, the thing that becomes key to whether you're going to receive support and treatment is your BMI. Now if I ruled the world, BMI could go and die in a hole, BMI is a stupid measure! It doesn't take into account muscle mass and hydration, whether you've peed or not... and above all it doesn't measure anything within your head. The key to an eating disorder is that in reality it's nothing about food or weight at all. The food behaviours and weight changes are a symptom of an underlying problem... whether that's control, low self esteem, OCD... anything really. It makes me cross that the system we currently have relies on people being very poorly and underweight to receive the right treatment, I think treatment should start early and work to help people BEFORE they reach that point... but I suppose that's an argument for another time. 

So... I went from worrying a little about my weight, to being totally encompassed mentally and physically with an eating disorder. One of the ways I've tried to describe it to friends, family and professionals before is like that kind of conscience feeling when you leave the house and you know you've forgotten something; that feeling deep in your stomach that something is amiss but you can't quite put your finger on what it might be. Well imagine that but the only way you can get rid of it is to place all of your self worth on what you're going to eat or not going to eat, what you weigh or should weigh or did weigh or will weigh... then imagine that feeling being the background of everything. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder... of course I'm just speaking for myself right now, everyone's experiences are different. But I think it is quite common for eating disorders to become very overpowering, the illusion of control controls you. It's like it's the filter in which everything in life has to pass through. To be quite honest it's exhausting. 

Now my friends and family are bloody amazing! They've put up with my 'battiness' for such a long time and have just been there for me and loved me throughout it, something I can't thank them enough for. I'm better than I was, but there's still a long way for me to go to stop reverting to my coping mechanisms as soon as life seems a bit scary. So I've been offered a really amazing opportunity, to spend some time in an inpatient program to have some really intensive treatment... fingers crossed I'll come out in 6 weeks and be a lot better than I am. I'm not content with being able to function WITH my eating disorder, I want to kick it's arse and be done with it. I'm bored of being poorly now, I want my life back and I've got a hell of a lot to be looking forward to that just isn't compatible with anorexia. So... starting on Monday 4th August, I'll be hanging out in 'food prison' for 6 weeks... hopefully I'll make the most of my little stint in rehab and come out and start the next chapter of my life with all the people I love and care about. 

Before I finish I just want to dispel a few eating disorder myths that are just pants: 

• Eating disorders are NOT just for white british teenage girls- anyone at any age and gender can be affected 
• You don't have to be visibly underweight to have an eating disorder- my rather distasteful joke has always been that I am a 'fat anorexic'. You can be very poorly and outwardly still look ok. Weight is not a measure of how unwell someone is and is definitely not something you can use to tell if someone has an eating disorder
• Eating disorders are an illness and it's not something to be ashamed of- I spent a long time feeling embarrassed that I couldn't deal with food properly and that I wasn't able to be 'normal'. A massive part of me getting better has been to be able to be honest and say... actually I'm not ok, but I'm getting better. 
• You don't have to treat someone with an eating disorder differently, unless you fancy giving them extra love and hugs... thats totally ok! I'm still me, I'm just poorly right now, but I won't be forever. 
• Recovery is possible! And I'm going to do it! 

I urge anyone who is worried about their eating to seek help as soon as they can and if you don't get it, keep asking until you do. No-one deserves to be poorly! 

Love Kate xx

You can get support from the eating disorder charity B-eat and also Men Get Eating Disorders Too! 

In memory of Matt Ryd

Now first of all I would like you to watch the video above. This is a video of a wonderful musician, Matt Ryd, and his story of having an eating disorder. I think his explanation and the things he says (or writes as the case might be) are truly amazing and very brave. 

My introduction to this wonderfully brave and talented musician came about in a very sad way indeed. I read a blog post by MGEDT (Men get eating disorders too) that was written in memory of Matt who very sadly lost his battle with an eating disorder recently. Initially the idea of watching the video knowing that this brave man had passed away felt wrong and wasn't something I wanted to do. However, I did go ahead and watch the video and I was glad, feeling really privileged to see what he chose to share as an awareness for eating disorders. 

MGEDT have a really important role to play in raising awareness of male sufferers of eating disorders. In their report of eating disorders in the media 'Warning this picture may damage your health'  B-eat found that the majority of individuals surveyed (72% in fact) could name anorexia as a type of eating disorder and only 3% said binge eating. The thing is, only 10% of eating disorders present as anorexia! There is also the common misconception that most eating disorder sufferers are female and are underweight, when in fact 80% of people with an eating disorder are overweight. 

Eating disorders do not just affect teenage girls. Anyone can be affected at any age, regardless of their gender, race, culturally upbringing or background. It is important to think about those individuals who may be suffering in silence as they don't feel they fit into the stereotypes so are ashamed to seek help or feel that they don't fit with what is expected so therefore don't have a problem. 

Matt Ryd's death is horribly sad, but hopefully some awareness may come from this tragedy and help more people to seek help that need it. 

Kate xx