Just keep swimming

I think I've been looking for a eureka moment in recovery when I wake up one day and think... 'jolly good, that's me recovered now'. I think, coming into an inpatient program, set me off thinking that I would defeat my eating disorder and be rid of it before I left. The scary reality is that I will be leaving this program with my eating disorder, it's not going to be completely squished as I hoped it would. The difference is that I am a lot more resilient now and able to manage it in a way that is compatible with real life. I have friends and acquaintances who say they are 'fully recovered' and I really do believe them. I suppose it really feels like this journey isn't going to be one that I reach the end of any time in the near future but one that's more of a slow burn... chipping away at my eating disorder and continuing to shift the balance to the recovered life I want step by step, bite by bite. 

It's so weird even contemplating a life without an eating disorder and a life out of hospital, where I've been for the last 7 months. It's weird to imagine having stretches of free time to fill and manage and enjoy! I have a realistic view that life won't be completely perfect and there will be times that are more challenging but hopefully the work I've done will keep me on the straight and narrow and on the right road to recovery. 

I also wanted to say hi to my lovely new followers! Please let me know if there are any blog topics you'd like me to talk about! 

International Happiness Day and a call to arms!

A picture of 'The Retreat Grounds' I took recently that makes me happy

Happy International Happiness Day

Yesterday was International Happiness Day, a day created by the UN to help people to remember the importance of happiness and wellbeing as 'universal goals in the lives of human beings around the world and the importance of their recognition in public policy objectives'- UN 2012. I find it interesting to think of happiness and wellbeing being linked on such a large institutional scale, something that I think is vitally important but often missed.

I also wanted to test the water from some guest bloggers or interviews for my blog or even requested content or topics. My blog has gone over the 3800 views mark but I'm keen to drum up some more followers and interest in what I'm writing. I'd like to throw the option out there for some suggestions of where you'd like me to go next and also ask anyone who would be interested, if they could share my blog or drop me a quick follow as I'd love to get a bit more visible and hopefully get to 4000 views and a lot more followers by the end of April! So please drop me a comment if you'd be interested in getting involved. I'm also thinking of adding an ask button of some sort for ideas and questions! 

214 days later

Today, on the Friday of EDAW 2014 (eating disorders awareness week), is the 214th day of my admission into 'The Retreat' in York for my eating disorder. Today I managed to enter the hospital's bake off competition with a cake I had made... at the last bake off, held in September, I had managed to only just stay in the room because of the strength of the smell of the cakes. A lot has changed in the last 31 (approx.) weeks. I would love to say that I'm recovered but that wouldn't be true at all, but I can safely say I'm well on the start of the long journey that will  be my recovery from my eating disorder. Eating disorder awareness week is an important week of raising awareness and funds mainly for the UK eating disorder charity B-eat who do a really amazing job of supporting and helping those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are a condition that can affect anyone at any time in their lives. I have had the privaledge to complete my journey on the 'Naomi program' with some of the strongest women I have ever met. 

Eating disorders come in all different varieties. I think the common misconception is that eating disorders only affect young, white women who choose to restrict their food intake until they are very underweight. Weight isn't an indication of how unwell a person is. During the time I have had my eating disorder, I have been a variety of different weights and even though I am now maintaining a healthy weight, I still very much have an eating disorder. 

For me, my eating disorder wasn't really about the food or my weight. It has/had a lot more functions than I ever realised but I'm now learning a new way of life and slowly but surely I'm fighting for the life I want to be living and the future I want. I think of eating disorders like having a glass of fruit juice that's been diluted. The sufferer is the fruit juice and their eating disorder is the water. The eating disorder dilutes the person until it's hard to see them but with help they can find themselves again and gradually get more concentrated. The person is there, it can just be hard to see them. I've blogged about my eating disorder before and I encourage people to read and to learn more about eating disorders. They aren't the stereotypes that are shown to us in the media e.t.c. they are so different from person to person and unfortunately there isn't any one cure for them. 

Dog walking after Christmas, learning to love the 'recovered me'

When I agreed to come on to the Naomi program, I had agreed to be here for 6 weeks. Six weeks has become what will be nine months as an inpatient, something I really didn't think I needed when I started this part of my journey. It's funny, I thought I could do a quick fix of treatment and be better. I am so glad I stayed and am on the way to completing the full Naomi program. I've learnt so much about myself and so many really useful skills that I really hope will equip me to be really recovered one day. I believe I will be and I urge anyone who is worried about their relationship with food to get help. It's so worth it to not have to be completely controlled by food and be able to actually experience life. B-eat have recently completed some research into the cost of eating disorders in the UK and an overwhelming message is that earlier interventions and help would reduce the amount of money spent on eating disorder treatment... in other words, if you seek support earlier you can get well quicker. 

For me, recovery is becoming a norm that often I don't really like but can manage. It's not all rosy and nicey-nicey, sometimes it's rubbish but the promise of it not being rubbish forever keeps me going. You can't experience the good without having to experience the difficult too and I am sure I want to strive for the good! 

I'm tired so no doubt my blog tonight might be a bit of a waffly muddle, but hopefully I will have come close to doing justice to what an important topic this is!