The place of true healing is a fierce place

The reality is, recovery is shit but gradually you get used to that and it becomes more tolerable, eventually you don't even realise you're doing it anymore... well that's the hope anyway.

Once again the timing of my blogging has been quite apt, I seem to have a knack of starting a blog post and then having a conversation of the same theme with someone, or seeing it in real life. This happened again today. Last week I wasn't well and as a result I was under quarantine and 'banned' from the ward. Now so close to my discharge date, a bit of independent practice wasn't a bad thing but it showed me that actually living a 'recovered' life is exhausting and a real challenge. The nice shiny idea I had of leaving the program all better was possibly a bit of an unrealistic expectation because I actually do still have an eating disorder. This realisation, I suppose, has been something I've been coming to over a number of weeks but the time to myself completely independently just brought it to the forefront of my mind.

I have a cartoon on my wall that depicts the road to recovery as two lines, the expectation of a line that goes directly from A to B and the reality of a line that goes backwards and forwards in a form of a scribble, ultimately getting from A to B but not straight away. As long as the general movement is in the right direction then it's ok if it's not exactly the way you would expect, it's ok for it to be good enough. Nb. I've added the cartoon now! Because it made more sense to have it in my blog.

So one night, at the dining table, we were discussing the difficulties we were facing and wondering when it would start to feel easier. At the start of the program, we complied with the boundaries because we had to which became doing it for ourselves because we had worked out our reasons for recovery which often also included recovering for others. The reality was that recovery was and still is hard work, a constant battle and drive to keep on track and make the 'recovery' focused decision multiple times a day. The silver lining, I determined, was that gradually you get more used to how crap recovery is until, hopefully, it would become so routine and mundane that it would be the automatic choice rather than requiring an internal dialogue each time. It all sounds somewhat depressing but actually it feels like real life. The hard things become tolerable, you may not always love doing them but you have an inbuilt understanding of why you need and want to be doing them which then becomes almost innate. And overall, faced with the alternative, recovery sucks a while lot less than life with an eating disorder does! So yes, recovery is a bit shit, but I will be choosing it as it holds the key to the life I want to leave and I'm ok with the fact that it's going to feel uncomfortable until I've got used to it.

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There is always something to be thankful for!

A page from my relapse prevention

It can be really difficult to have any outside perspective on life if you are feeling low. It’s so easy to get really stuck on your failings, how bad you’re feeling or all of the little details with inadvertently keep you really stuck and trapped. If you’re feeling bad physically or emotionally it’s so easy to end up in this trap and the prospect of it ever being any different can be unimaginable.

I’ve recently been doing a lot of work in a couple of areas that I have found really helpful and empowering; gratitude and personal values. I think both of these kind of fit in with this idea and are kind of the antidotes to think internally and getting really stuck in the moment with how you are feeling. In my relapse prevention, I’ve tried to think about all of the things I’m grateful for, and unsurprisingly (…well now I’ve done it!) there’s a hell of a lot I have to be thankful for. The key for me now, is to look at it as a positive and not as another means of beating myself up and thinking… well look at what I’ve got, I need to buck up my ideas and fix the rest of me. I think it has been really helpful to be able to refer back to my list on days where I feel a bit low and hopeless and like everything feels really difficult, these are the things I already have that are amazing and can’t be taken away from me. It’s such an empowering thing to do and once you get started you really can get carried away with all of the different things you have to be thankful for.

And some more relapse prevention

Then… values! In our Core CBT group, we looked at KellyWilson’s values worksheet. I’ve attached the link to the worksheet because it’s a really awesome tool to help focus you and work out what you want in your life and think about how successful you are being at fulfilling that value. You start by looking at the value ideas given on the sheet and rating them in their importance to you, I obviously added in pets/animals to the end of my list too. Then you think about the type of person you would like to be in each of the relevant areas, next you think about your success in each relevant area and finally you rank the values in the order of their importance of working on them at the present moment. You end up with a really focused idea of what’s important to you and what you’re neglecting at the moment. My values have really guided my relapse prevention and I’ve gone on to think about what the immediate steps you need to take to be working towards those goals. It’s really interesting because sometimes you have to work on different values before you can get to others, for example a lot of my values need to come second to me sorting out my health and mental health; without a healthy body, I can’t work on my family values and goal to have children.



More relapse prevention

The beauty of these two areas is that they can give you a real focus and kind of grounding to help you get back on track and work out where you want to go next and what that might look like. You can see what you have got and realise how fortunate you are and then think about the values that you want to guide your life and help think about yourself as a person. See recovery really is that simple... well possibly not but I think this definitely could help. I think the next step for me will be to think about my gratitude for my body and then perhaps tie all these into my positive data log and positive qualities work... all for another day!

My self-critical voice is looking at this post with an air of despair at the quality of my writing... and art work at the moment! My anxiety and self-doubt looks at different areas where I could have written better or more coherently or just differently, but my goal for today is to use the ‘good enough’ principle and think… sod it, it’s fine!! My perfectionist nature is trying to stifle me and I want to, for now at least, try and ignore it and post this piece anyway without judgement or regret.

Just keep swimming

I think I've been looking for a eureka moment in recovery when I wake up one day and think... 'jolly good, that's me recovered now'. I think, coming into an inpatient program, set me off thinking that I would defeat my eating disorder and be rid of it before I left. The scary reality is that I will be leaving this program with my eating disorder, it's not going to be completely squished as I hoped it would. The difference is that I am a lot more resilient now and able to manage it in a way that is compatible with real life. I have friends and acquaintances who say they are 'fully recovered' and I really do believe them. I suppose it really feels like this journey isn't going to be one that I reach the end of any time in the near future but one that's more of a slow burn... chipping away at my eating disorder and continuing to shift the balance to the recovered life I want step by step, bite by bite. 

It's so weird even contemplating a life without an eating disorder and a life out of hospital, where I've been for the last 7 months. It's weird to imagine having stretches of free time to fill and manage and enjoy! I have a realistic view that life won't be completely perfect and there will be times that are more challenging but hopefully the work I've done will keep me on the straight and narrow and on the right road to recovery. 

I also wanted to say hi to my lovely new followers! Please let me know if there are any blog topics you'd like me to talk about! 

214 days later

Today, on the Friday of EDAW 2014 (eating disorders awareness week), is the 214th day of my admission into 'The Retreat' in York for my eating disorder. Today I managed to enter the hospital's bake off competition with a cake I had made... at the last bake off, held in September, I had managed to only just stay in the room because of the strength of the smell of the cakes. A lot has changed in the last 31 (approx.) weeks. I would love to say that I'm recovered but that wouldn't be true at all, but I can safely say I'm well on the start of the long journey that will  be my recovery from my eating disorder. Eating disorder awareness week is an important week of raising awareness and funds mainly for the UK eating disorder charity B-eat who do a really amazing job of supporting and helping those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are a condition that can affect anyone at any time in their lives. I have had the privaledge to complete my journey on the 'Naomi program' with some of the strongest women I have ever met. 

Eating disorders come in all different varieties. I think the common misconception is that eating disorders only affect young, white women who choose to restrict their food intake until they are very underweight. Weight isn't an indication of how unwell a person is. During the time I have had my eating disorder, I have been a variety of different weights and even though I am now maintaining a healthy weight, I still very much have an eating disorder. 

For me, my eating disorder wasn't really about the food or my weight. It has/had a lot more functions than I ever realised but I'm now learning a new way of life and slowly but surely I'm fighting for the life I want to be living and the future I want. I think of eating disorders like having a glass of fruit juice that's been diluted. The sufferer is the fruit juice and their eating disorder is the water. The eating disorder dilutes the person until it's hard to see them but with help they can find themselves again and gradually get more concentrated. The person is there, it can just be hard to see them. I've blogged about my eating disorder before and I encourage people to read and to learn more about eating disorders. They aren't the stereotypes that are shown to us in the media e.t.c. they are so different from person to person and unfortunately there isn't any one cure for them. 

Dog walking after Christmas, learning to love the 'recovered me'

When I agreed to come on to the Naomi program, I had agreed to be here for 6 weeks. Six weeks has become what will be nine months as an inpatient, something I really didn't think I needed when I started this part of my journey. It's funny, I thought I could do a quick fix of treatment and be better. I am so glad I stayed and am on the way to completing the full Naomi program. I've learnt so much about myself and so many really useful skills that I really hope will equip me to be really recovered one day. I believe I will be and I urge anyone who is worried about their relationship with food to get help. It's so worth it to not have to be completely controlled by food and be able to actually experience life. B-eat have recently completed some research into the cost of eating disorders in the UK and an overwhelming message is that earlier interventions and help would reduce the amount of money spent on eating disorder treatment... in other words, if you seek support earlier you can get well quicker. 

For me, recovery is becoming a norm that often I don't really like but can manage. It's not all rosy and nicey-nicey, sometimes it's rubbish but the promise of it not being rubbish forever keeps me going. You can't experience the good without having to experience the difficult too and I am sure I want to strive for the good! 

I'm tired so no doubt my blog tonight might be a bit of a waffly muddle, but hopefully I will have come close to doing justice to what an important topic this is! 

Acceptance is a small, quiet room

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realise there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room. - Cheryl Strayed

I've been looking for some inspiration for a new blog post for a while and sought out ideas from friends, basically I've ruminated on the idea for far too long! I think perfectionistic tendencies have once again hampered my creative process and got me a bit stuck. I think writing scares me. It all ties in with the work we’re doing about self compassion at the moment. The internal self-critic screams at me to not bother, leave it, don’t try; because if I do try then I’m destined to fail. It won’t be good enough. But then… what is good enough? How can I ever be good enough based on all the unfair comparisons I make? I'll write some more about Compassionate Mind Training by the brilliant Paul Gilbert in another blog, it's really interesting and seems to be a bit of a turning point in my recovery from my eating disorder.

At the moment, I think, I just need to try and go with it; read and write as much as I can to try and find my voice. It sounds so cheesy, but I know the basic skill and understanding is there deep down. I just need to hone in on it and keep learning, exploring and developing. I'm reading a brilliant book at the moment, lent to me at the start of my inpatient admission by a fellow patient called Writing as a Way of Healing-by Louise DeSalvo; it talks about the healing power of writing and how it can transform your life and help you to reclaim yourself from the stories that have made you the person you are. I want to write to learn about myself and  find myself; to put the past to rest, be in the present and enjoy the future as it comes. I want to write to help people and become the person I am destined to be. I don’t know where to start or how to do it really, but I will find my way through it somehow I think.

I've had sparks of inspiration now and again but I think most of these can fall into two main categories, the depths of darkness that happen in the world and the beautiful moments of hope and humanity.

On Tuesday I saw the film Wild with my wonderful bestie. Wild is Cheryl Strayed’s memoir of her 1100 mile trek along the Pacific Crest Trail from the Mojave Desert to the border with Washington State. She starts her journey after struggling to deal with difficult challenges in her life and makes all sorts of personal and spiritual realisations along the way. It was a really beautiful film and I left feeling a rekindled desire to find a way to write more. The timing of seeing the film was sadly right before a personal family loss which made the idea of writing to heal and process even more poignant.

I suppose this entry acts as the start of me resuming blogging. I hope to gain more followers, share more ideas and help people if I can.

Kate xx

If you want to buy any of the books I've mentioned, see below:

You've got the love I need to see me through

So... as a mental health blogger, I have always alluded to the fact I have experiences of mental health issues but haven't been fully open about it all. It just wasn't the right time and I think there's always a right time for these kind of things, and that seems like now. Plus, it's a chance to let my friends know where I'm going to be for the next month and a half. 

I've decided that being a human can be tricky, there's no manual that lets you know how to deal with different situations and sometimes it would be really lovely if there was something to refer back to when times are hard. I've developed some rather maladaptive coping mechanisms over the years and it's surprising to see how quickly the odd things you do every now and again can catch up with you. It can take a while before you think your little quirks are actually turning into a bit of a problem. 

I hate labels with an almighty burning passion. I think, especially for my variety of maladaptiveness, a label can be something that burdens you. I've found myself in the uncomfortable criteria of disordered eating. It's interesting that when you have a difficulty with food, the thing that becomes key to whether you're going to receive support and treatment is your BMI. Now if I ruled the world, BMI could go and die in a hole, BMI is a stupid measure! It doesn't take into account muscle mass and hydration, whether you've peed or not... and above all it doesn't measure anything within your head. The key to an eating disorder is that in reality it's nothing about food or weight at all. The food behaviours and weight changes are a symptom of an underlying problem... whether that's control, low self esteem, OCD... anything really. It makes me cross that the system we currently have relies on people being very poorly and underweight to receive the right treatment, I think treatment should start early and work to help people BEFORE they reach that point... but I suppose that's an argument for another time. 

So... I went from worrying a little about my weight, to being totally encompassed mentally and physically with an eating disorder. One of the ways I've tried to describe it to friends, family and professionals before is like that kind of conscience feeling when you leave the house and you know you've forgotten something; that feeling deep in your stomach that something is amiss but you can't quite put your finger on what it might be. Well imagine that but the only way you can get rid of it is to place all of your self worth on what you're going to eat or not going to eat, what you weigh or should weigh or did weigh or will weigh... then imagine that feeling being the background of everything. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder... of course I'm just speaking for myself right now, everyone's experiences are different. But I think it is quite common for eating disorders to become very overpowering, the illusion of control controls you. It's like it's the filter in which everything in life has to pass through. To be quite honest it's exhausting. 

Now my friends and family are bloody amazing! They've put up with my 'battiness' for such a long time and have just been there for me and loved me throughout it, something I can't thank them enough for. I'm better than I was, but there's still a long way for me to go to stop reverting to my coping mechanisms as soon as life seems a bit scary. So I've been offered a really amazing opportunity, to spend some time in an inpatient program to have some really intensive treatment... fingers crossed I'll come out in 6 weeks and be a lot better than I am. I'm not content with being able to function WITH my eating disorder, I want to kick it's arse and be done with it. I'm bored of being poorly now, I want my life back and I've got a hell of a lot to be looking forward to that just isn't compatible with anorexia. So... starting on Monday 4th August, I'll be hanging out in 'food prison' for 6 weeks... hopefully I'll make the most of my little stint in rehab and come out and start the next chapter of my life with all the people I love and care about. 

Before I finish I just want to dispel a few eating disorder myths that are just pants: 

• Eating disorders are NOT just for white british teenage girls- anyone at any age and gender can be affected 
• You don't have to be visibly underweight to have an eating disorder- my rather distasteful joke has always been that I am a 'fat anorexic'. You can be very poorly and outwardly still look ok. Weight is not a measure of how unwell someone is and is definitely not something you can use to tell if someone has an eating disorder
• Eating disorders are an illness and it's not something to be ashamed of- I spent a long time feeling embarrassed that I couldn't deal with food properly and that I wasn't able to be 'normal'. A massive part of me getting better has been to be able to be honest and say... actually I'm not ok, but I'm getting better. 
• You don't have to treat someone with an eating disorder differently, unless you fancy giving them extra love and hugs... thats totally ok! I'm still me, I'm just poorly right now, but I won't be forever. 
• Recovery is possible! And I'm going to do it! 

I urge anyone who is worried about their eating to seek help as soon as they can and if you don't get it, keep asking until you do. No-one deserves to be poorly! 

Love Kate xx

You can get support from the eating disorder charity B-eat and also Men Get Eating Disorders Too!