I'm not responding but I still really care

I normally have texts to reply to, facebook messages to read, letters I ought to be writing and sending but sometimes I just don't have the brain space to respond. It's hard when you have a day when you're feeling low or finding it hard to muster together the motivation to do all of the things you need to and then there's being sociable added in too.

When I was first admitted on to Naomi, I became a bit of a hermit, it was all too stressful and intense to think about any other aspect of life. I was attending to my needs and trying to get well; fighting the everyday battles, some of which took place in my own head. But throughout that time I appreciated the contact from my lovely friends and family. I couldn't quite manage to respond or get into conversations about how things were or what it was like, how I was doing. But I took a great amount of comfort from the friendly messages from the people I loved.

Now I'm in the real world, again I still have day's when socialising or getting in touch with people is just a little extra that is a bit of a struggle. The delight of replying to everyone, getting in touch but then getting replies and once again feeling a little snowed under is all too familiar. But again, it really really doesn't mean I don't care and don't want to talk to everyone, I'm just not quite up to speaking right at that second.

I realise it must be really hard to keep trying to message and talk to a friend who doesn't always reply, and no doubt a lot of my friends and family must have times where they think they won't bother to keep trying. But know that your friend/family member will reply when they have the brain space to, and they will definitely appreciate knowing you are there, care for them and will wait until they are ready to talk.

Hopefully that rambling makes a little sense!

You've got the love I need to see me through

So... as a mental health blogger, I have always alluded to the fact I have experiences of mental health issues but haven't been fully open about it all. It just wasn't the right time and I think there's always a right time for these kind of things, and that seems like now. Plus, it's a chance to let my friends know where I'm going to be for the next month and a half. 

I've decided that being a human can be tricky, there's no manual that lets you know how to deal with different situations and sometimes it would be really lovely if there was something to refer back to when times are hard. I've developed some rather maladaptive coping mechanisms over the years and it's surprising to see how quickly the odd things you do every now and again can catch up with you. It can take a while before you think your little quirks are actually turning into a bit of a problem. 

I hate labels with an almighty burning passion. I think, especially for my variety of maladaptiveness, a label can be something that burdens you. I've found myself in the uncomfortable criteria of disordered eating. It's interesting that when you have a difficulty with food, the thing that becomes key to whether you're going to receive support and treatment is your BMI. Now if I ruled the world, BMI could go and die in a hole, BMI is a stupid measure! It doesn't take into account muscle mass and hydration, whether you've peed or not... and above all it doesn't measure anything within your head. The key to an eating disorder is that in reality it's nothing about food or weight at all. The food behaviours and weight changes are a symptom of an underlying problem... whether that's control, low self esteem, OCD... anything really. It makes me cross that the system we currently have relies on people being very poorly and underweight to receive the right treatment, I think treatment should start early and work to help people BEFORE they reach that point... but I suppose that's an argument for another time. 

So... I went from worrying a little about my weight, to being totally encompassed mentally and physically with an eating disorder. One of the ways I've tried to describe it to friends, family and professionals before is like that kind of conscience feeling when you leave the house and you know you've forgotten something; that feeling deep in your stomach that something is amiss but you can't quite put your finger on what it might be. Well imagine that but the only way you can get rid of it is to place all of your self worth on what you're going to eat or not going to eat, what you weigh or should weigh or did weigh or will weigh... then imagine that feeling being the background of everything. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder... of course I'm just speaking for myself right now, everyone's experiences are different. But I think it is quite common for eating disorders to become very overpowering, the illusion of control controls you. It's like it's the filter in which everything in life has to pass through. To be quite honest it's exhausting. 

Now my friends and family are bloody amazing! They've put up with my 'battiness' for such a long time and have just been there for me and loved me throughout it, something I can't thank them enough for. I'm better than I was, but there's still a long way for me to go to stop reverting to my coping mechanisms as soon as life seems a bit scary. So I've been offered a really amazing opportunity, to spend some time in an inpatient program to have some really intensive treatment... fingers crossed I'll come out in 6 weeks and be a lot better than I am. I'm not content with being able to function WITH my eating disorder, I want to kick it's arse and be done with it. I'm bored of being poorly now, I want my life back and I've got a hell of a lot to be looking forward to that just isn't compatible with anorexia. So... starting on Monday 4th August, I'll be hanging out in 'food prison' for 6 weeks... hopefully I'll make the most of my little stint in rehab and come out and start the next chapter of my life with all the people I love and care about. 

Before I finish I just want to dispel a few eating disorder myths that are just pants: 

• Eating disorders are NOT just for white british teenage girls- anyone at any age and gender can be affected 
• You don't have to be visibly underweight to have an eating disorder- my rather distasteful joke has always been that I am a 'fat anorexic'. You can be very poorly and outwardly still look ok. Weight is not a measure of how unwell someone is and is definitely not something you can use to tell if someone has an eating disorder
• Eating disorders are an illness and it's not something to be ashamed of- I spent a long time feeling embarrassed that I couldn't deal with food properly and that I wasn't able to be 'normal'. A massive part of me getting better has been to be able to be honest and say... actually I'm not ok, but I'm getting better. 
• You don't have to treat someone with an eating disorder differently, unless you fancy giving them extra love and hugs... thats totally ok! I'm still me, I'm just poorly right now, but I won't be forever. 
• Recovery is possible! And I'm going to do it! 

I urge anyone who is worried about their eating to seek help as soon as they can and if you don't get it, keep asking until you do. No-one deserves to be poorly! 

Love Kate xx

You can get support from the eating disorder charity B-eat and also Men Get Eating Disorders Too! 

Mindfullness in the form of baking

Being mindful is a form of self awareness- something that's a real popular buzz word in the mental health field at the moment. Practicing mindfulness is seen to be really beneficial for positive wellbeing and there are many ways to do it.

I found a pretty mindful activity in the form of baking with my other half Beth yesterday. Have a look at her blog for the recipe and baking wisdom. I am currently writing this with the smell of freshly baked bread wafting through the house!!

So we made some bread. Well.... Beth did some proper baking... she made an 8 stranded plait with mozzarella, pesto and herbs in it.... it was pretty impressive. Beth is a rather talented baker to say the least. She basically did all the baking and then left me to revert to being a small child again and gave me some dough to play with/make into cute shapes and just generally have some fun with!!

Here's what I made... the before and after pictures...


From right to left the ingredients are as follows:

1- Mustard seed roll

2- Caper roll

3- Garlic and parsley knot which has got the unfortunate appearance of a turd....

4- Parmesan, garlic and parsley plait

5- Should be a poppyseed pinwheel but the picture went funny and didn't load... but it is pretty honest!

6- Herby roll with mustard seeds, basil, parsley, mixed herbs, garlic and poppy seeds

7- A baked Stitch!

So... the process of baking involves patience and time. The bread requires a lot of kneading, especially if you're trying to put stuff into it e.g. herbs e.t.c. Also if you want to make an interesting shape like a plait or a knot then you need to have the patience to keep rolling the dough out as it's really springy and likes to go back to the original shape if it gets the chance.

So... clearly I am lacking in artistic and baking skills. However back to the original point I was making.... this is a really good activity for mindfulness.

Here are the pictures of the finished products! I was rather pleased with my effort!

And from a mindful point of view, I really found the process of making the bread really great for focusing on what I was doing and being able to just clear my mind and do something that wasn't too taxing but was a beneficial thing to be doing.

Beth and I then spent the next part of the afternoon doing some papier mache... who says we're grown up hey?!

A lovely relaxing a industrious day well spent I feel.

Loves xxxx

Life is full of beauty.

'Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential and fight for your dreams.'

Today I'm feeling rather thoughtful. I'm not sure where it's come from but I've spent a little time today thinking about the world and all sorts of things. I spent a lovely relaxing afternoon with the wonderful Beth in town mooching about and now I'm feeling decidedly relaxed.

I don't think there's a particular theme to todays blog other than it being full of some shout outs really! I have some pretty awesome friends and family. A few of whom will feature in today's post.

The first is my little sister Lizzie. I find it funny to call her my little sister, as she's all grown up now and almost ready to head off to University. Lizzie has always been a bit of a style icon to me.... I can sense her head expanding as I write this!! She's always had a way of being able to put together outfits e.t.c. and just look effortlessly beautiful, demonstrated by these photos.

So clearly she got all of the attractive genes!! Anyway.... this stylish lady has her very own fashion blog. I think everyone should have a read. It's actually quite good.

http://elizabeebee.blogspot.co.uk/

I also want to share two other bloggies! The first belongs to my lovely honorary wife Beth and the second belongs to my lovely friend Anna. Now these two blogs couldn't really be more different! Beth's blog is a gorgeous homely look into her baking genius. Anna's is a beautifully realistic view of mental health and inside the human mind. Both are really good and worth a look.

http://thebakingginger.blogspot.co.uk/
http://annapob91.blog.com/

Fin.

Feeling rather industrious

I decided over the weekend to try my hand at being a bit of a business-woman. I need something at the moment to get my teeth stuck into, something to keep my mind busy and to act as a good old fashioned distraction when I'm in need of one.

So.... I've started up a little business.

http://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/FlorenceAndCecilia

Named after the wonderful Florrie and Cissie and inspired by their beauty and glamour... my jewellery is designed to appeal to everyone and be affordable and beautiful.

Florrie and Cissie were my relatives and part of my circus family. Both of them performed in the family circus before starring as a double act, 'The Transfield Sisters'. Florrie later became a wardrobe mistress in Hollywood working with the starts of the 50's-70's especially. 

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0870999/

Makes me seriously proud to be related to such wonderful women. 

xx

Inspiration

I found an interesting article the other day. Baileys surveyed 4000 women to ask them who inspired them. The results were quite astonishing as most of the women picked fictional characters rather than real women!! It made me think about who inspires me.

• My mum and the women in my family- ok... it's a broad group here! But my mum, sister, aunties, cousin, grandma and my lovely Nannie who is no longer with us are all wonderful in their own rights. I love them dearly and I think that makes them all the more important! 

• My friends- I have some really wonderful friends. I don't really want to bore you by going through and naming every one of them. But they're wonderful and each and every one is special to me!!

• Now actresses are an interesting one- again in the Independent article, many of the inspirational women were actresses. I have actress heroines such as Judy Dench, Julie Walters, Helen Mirren, Maggie Smith and Julie Andrews who are all women I admire for their talent. But again, I wonder how much of my admiration is for their characters rather than precisely for them as individuals. Julie Walters and Helen Mirren particularly inspire me in Calendar Girls, my favourite film. I think this therefore means that I'm actually inspired by Angela Baker; the original calendar girl who raised money in memory of her husband. 

• Now many people know I'm a huge fan of the Bodygossip; through being an ambassador for the campaign I have met the wonderful Tash Devon, Ruth Rogers, Sarah Fullager and Charlotte Gatherer. Now this lot are all pretty incredible too! They inspire me to love my body in all of its real glory! 

• Now the reality is... I could go on for a long time thinking of all the women who inspire me in life. It heartens me to know there are so many fabulous ladies out there who I hope one day to be even a fraction as great as they are. 

Here's to having real life heros!