I'm not responding but I still really care

I normally have texts to reply to, facebook messages to read, letters I ought to be writing and sending but sometimes I just don't have the brain space to respond. It's hard when you have a day when you're feeling low or finding it hard to muster together the motivation to do all of the things you need to and then there's being sociable added in too.

When I was first admitted on to Naomi, I became a bit of a hermit, it was all too stressful and intense to think about any other aspect of life. I was attending to my needs and trying to get well; fighting the everyday battles, some of which took place in my own head. But throughout that time I appreciated the contact from my lovely friends and family. I couldn't quite manage to respond or get into conversations about how things were or what it was like, how I was doing. But I took a great amount of comfort from the friendly messages from the people I loved.

Now I'm in the real world, again I still have day's when socialising or getting in touch with people is just a little extra that is a bit of a struggle. The delight of replying to everyone, getting in touch but then getting replies and once again feeling a little snowed under is all too familiar. But again, it really really doesn't mean I don't care and don't want to talk to everyone, I'm just not quite up to speaking right at that second.

I realise it must be really hard to keep trying to message and talk to a friend who doesn't always reply, and no doubt a lot of my friends and family must have times where they think they won't bother to keep trying. But know that your friend/family member will reply when they have the brain space to, and they will definitely appreciate knowing you are there, care for them and will wait until they are ready to talk.

Hopefully that rambling makes a little sense!

A carrot on the end of a stick

Photographs by Lizzie @elizabeebeebee

Recovery is a hard journey, that much is clear but how do you hold on to the reasons you're doing it and manage to get through the dark and difficult times. When I began my recovery journey, I wasn't totally sure I wanted to be well. I was advised and subsequently talked a lot about 'giving it a go and deciding at the end whether I wanted to continue to recover or not'. It was something that filled my family with trepidation, would I make the decision to stay well or would I opt for the eating disorder again. I *think* I'm continuing to make that recovery focused choice each day, it's hard but it is achievable if you break everything into bite-sized (ironic I know) chucks and tackle the little bits as they arise rather than focusing on the end goal all of the time.

Photographs by Lizzie @elizabeebeebee

Something that did help me was thinking about an obtainable goal that I could achieve at the end, post discharge *if* I made the decision to stay well, my carrot on the stick (ironic again I know) was to aim to be able to get back in the saddle and riding again. Animals have always been such a big part of my life, from working in the veterinary work to having a whole heap of lovely pets. Horse riding was an obvious goal, something I adore and have done in the past and something that absolutely requires health, concentration, strength, stamina... all the things that I could gain from a healthy body as opposed to an unhealthy one. Riding is also a time where I'm completely unaware of my body, ok obviously I have to be aware of my position, posture and what my body is doing as opposed to how it feels in an ED way. There's absolutely no time available to bodycheck or think about what other people may be thinking about my appearance when you're riding without stirrups and concentrating on where your leg should be to ensure you're not going to fall off!

When I started as an inpatient on Naomi, I was so physically unwell. My body was exhausted from all of the damage I had done to it over the years of my eating disorder. I was then put on modified bed rest because of the unhealthy relationship I had with activity. When I eventually got to go for my first walk around the grounds with staff, I struggled to keep up and nearly didn't make it the whole way round. I didn't really imagine how much different life could be, what it would be like to regain my health and fitness and get back to being able to enjoy activity in a non-driven way. I'm also mindfully running the race for life... insert shameless bid of sponsorship here!

My plans to horse ride really helped my to think about recovery in a more mechanical way. I needed to eat a certain amount to enable my body to repair which would then allow me to ride again. It helped me to have a really SMART goal to work towards.

Photographs by Lizzie @elizabeebeebee

I'm so happy to have been able to go for my second riding lesson today and I've actually improved a bit. My body is doing what I want it to, I'm getting stronger in different ways and it's allowing me to build a bond with a wonderful, if cheeky pony!

So what's my kind of take home message of today. Think about something you'd like to achieve, it could be something you used to do or something new. Try and think about something that's achievable, picking running the London Marathon if you've never run before might be a little bit of a step too far, but think about something that you could do if you really focused on your recovery. It doesn't have to be recovery from an eating disorder, it could be any mental health condition that has prevented you from being able to do something that you adore and love in your life. Once you've decided on your goal, tell people about it, get excited, get pictures all over the walls and keep that carrot on the stick firmly in your sights so you can grab it when the time is right. And once you reach your goal, mark it and celebrate it, then get working on the next one. Mine is clearly to move up from my 1 foot jumps to something a little bigger or maybe a few in a row!

Please follow me by clicking on the bloglovin button to the right, and feel free to comment and share your carrot or get in touch with me to talk about my blog/ideas/feedback/suggestions.

Stay strong wonderful people xx

Switch on the light!

I can't remember how I initially got involved with Body Gossip, I seem to remember it started with a tweet and a link to the incredible 'This one's for you' video. I got talking to Ruth and Tash, and later Sarah and Charlotte; and eventually made plans for Body Gossip on Tour @ York University 2011. I had a wonderful time putting on the 'show' and looking back, I can now see how my involvement and the friendships I developed with Team BG became an instrumental part of my own recovery journey. The wonderful body gossipers showed me that recovery from a mental illness (mainly an eating disorder) was possible and the process of doing so could then be used to help so many others. I think it was a real point for me where I began to think about the life I could be leading... granted it took me quite a few years to then get the support I needed for my own eating disorder and be able to openly talk about it to my family and friends, but these gals really helped me to realise that I wanted to recover... so thanks!!

Anyway, since BGOT@York, Tash has become a bit of a celeb, I knew her before she was on the telly box and my claim to fame can now be that I drank room wine and ate McDonalds with her before she was famous! Anyway, Tash is now part of the absolutely rocking Self Esteem Team who are basically the Charlie's Angels of mental health; travelling the country educating young people on mental health issues, kicking the arse of stigma and generally just do an amazing job for young people they work with.

Their awesome new #SwitchOnTheLight campaign aims to encourage men to talk about their feelings because of the high rate of male deaths to suicide in this country. It's amazing, the video is amazing and hopefully it will do the job of helping men to realise it's ok to not be ok and talk about that.

So watch the video, share the video or one of your male friends or family members how they really are.

Here's why I've spent the day throwing stuff out...

I've had some amazing blog requests which I will get started on tomorrow. Please click on the contact me box to the right hand side if you're got any suggestions for a blog topic. Anyway, as it's only just still Thursday (I'm sure it will be Friday by the time I'm finished... I thought I ought to sneak in a quick blog so I'm vaguely keeping up with my promised blog a day for #MHAW2015. The reason for my lack of blog any earlier than now is that I've been having a major spring clean.

I have way too much stuff, something that has become apparent over the time of living away from home and then being in hospital for 9 months, my piles of stuff have accumulated and there's definitely bits I really don't need that could be donated to charity or sold on ebay. This part was the simple part, have I used this in the last year- if not in the charity bag, simple!

Then came the tricky part, the clothes. Now, having been unwell for a number of years and having lost weight, restored weight and repeat; I have clothes in a range of sizes for different stages of illness. Now, some of these clothes are definitely not clothes that I can wear if I am well or healthy, some of them are absolutely relapse clothes. It was a difficult decision to make to get rid of them all, I wanted to but I only part committed, throwing out the worst ones but not fully wanting to accept the fact that if I am going to continue with my stab at recovered life, there are just some items I won't be wearing again.

Today I made that commitment to get rid of any of the clothes I own that aren't the right size for me. I'm going to give the less sellable ones to charity and put the rest on ebay, the proceeds will be spent on clothes that fit me and my recovered life. I don't think you can properly continue with recovery with the ghosts of illness past in your wardrobe so I urge anyone who has any pre-recovery clothes to work to get rid of them, then you won't be facing a trigger and temptation everyday.

Life is one big transition

Today I'm blogging about a topic chosen by my lovely friend Naomi, you should follow her on twitter @Naomi_Barrow, she talks a lot of sense and is an awesome activist and fabulous lady. Anyway, Naomi suggested I talked about transitions for today's #MHAW2015 post.

Now seems the perfect time to talk about transitions, as I am mid-transition myself between being an inpatient and out in the real world again (12 days free). At the same time I've gone from living in York (student accommodation pre-hospital) and now I'm back to living at home for a while. Transitions are hard, especially for someone who is mental health concerns or needs to think about. I've come up with a list of my top tips for managing transitions.


Top tips for smooth(er) transitions:

• Work out your time scale- think about the time scale before your move/transition and work out the time frame you will have to ensure everything you need is in place. Try not to leave things until the last moment if you can.

• Make sure you have a support network at home who are aware of your mental health e.t.c. Making appointments and having to start afresh with someone new can be really stressful, but if they've already had some information and an idea of the kind of support you will need can be really helpful. It can also be good to have a named person where you will be so you know in advance who you'll need to talk to if you are struggling. 

• Plan ahead- as part of my relapse prevention work, I had a meal plan for the first week of being out in the real world. Having ideas of what you will eat, how you will manage your time and the kind of activities you can do if you are at a loss or struggling can be really helpful. Have some kind of notebook/folder with all of that information in is also really helpful as you will have a go-to emergency guide. I had things like a back to basics meal plan (a week of food), back to basics weekly structure (things I needed to do over the week as a minimum if I was low in mood or motivation), emergency meal plan (for one day) and emergency activities plan. 

• Get yourself a distress tolerance box- I'll do another post about distress tolerance boxes, they really are amazing. But essentially they're a go-to place when you're struggling with things that will soothe you, distract you and generally help you bring intense emotions back down to somewhere more manageable.  Your box could include pictures that make you happy, distraction lists, nice smelly things, touchy feely things and reasons for recovery/to not use a self destructive behaviour. There's scope for them to contain anything really, it's just a place to keep all the helpful things you know work for you together.

• Remember you don't have to do it alone- Talk to friends, professionals and family members. Try and let them know the things you might feel difficult and ways they might be able to help you if you're struggling. Keep letters or notes ready that you can give to people if you're struggling with a guide of how to support you on it. 

These are just a few thoughts, it's not a definitive list but hopefully it's a few things to think about. I suppose life is all one big transition and the key is to think about how you can manage them, once you've got a good set of skills you can use them in a variety of different settings. Transitions are hard but they are possible, keep going my lovely mental health warriors! 

Mental Health Awareness Week 2015

Yesterday was crazy busy so unfortunately I didn't get chance to write my post on the first day of Mental Health Awareness week 2015. Raising awareness for mental health is so important to me, for obvious reasons! I think it's vital that people are aware of mental health and that it becomes less of a taboo subject or area where people feel uncomfortable or uneasy because they just don't really understand or know what to stay. There's such a problem with the *unsaid* and I really feel it's something that, if rectified, could really lead to more people getting support earlier or feeling able to say when they are struggling.

This year, the focus for #MHAW2015 is Mindfulness. Whilst I was an inpatient for my eating disorder, I got to practice a lot of mindfulness and found that it made up a really large part of my recovery journey. Mindfulness enabled me to manage my thoughts and feelings in a different and healthier way. Rather than trying to exert control over everything, I was able to notice, accept and move on from my thoughts; being able to do this was particularly helpful with managing my eating disordered thoughts, noticing them, accepting them for what they are (eating disordered crap) and being able to not give them the time of day that my illness wanted them to have. It enable me to be mindful rather than having a mind that was full of things I didn't want to be there. I was able to just 'be' in the present rather than stuck in my head.

A common misconception of mindfulness is that it is some weirdy meditative activity, put simply mindfulness is about focusing on the current moment and not letting the past or present get in the way of it. For me, breathing mindfulness exercises are brilliant if I am feeling stressed or anxious, they really help me to clear my head and have one focus rather than lots of different ideas whizzing through my mind.

My plan is to blog as much as possible this week and help raise awareness and stuff for MHAW2015!

The Tories got in.... so what can you do other than moan about it

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 12 hours, you will have heard that the Tories have won a majority of seats in the general election and David Cameron will remain a Prime Minister. Miliband has resigned, as has Clegg and Farage; and certainly on my Facebook and Twitter timelines, a lot of people aren't happy with the result. The first past the post system has a lot to answer for and arguably the results aren't the most representative of the country's political allegiance however what's done is done so perhaps we could move on from bitching and moaning and work out how we can make the government really act on behalf of the people of the country.

You still have the power to make change by lobbying you're local MP by writing to them, contacting them via social media, meeting them or by inviting them to get involved with your campaigns. We do not have to passively sit and watch whilst the Conservatives take over the country, we have the power to instigate change, just via a different MP to the one we had hoped for.

I also want to celebrate that we have elected 1/3 more women in parliament in this general election. I'm pretty proud to see an increase in the number of female politicians we have!

It's been one week...

It's been a week on the outside world, a week since finishing my inpatient stay, seven whole days of doing it for myself! I'm not really sure what I anticipated the first week post-discharge would be like but it's been remarkably normal. Of course it's been challenging and I've had to really think about what I'm doing and really work on making the recovery focused decision day-in-day-out, but it feels like that's what I'm doing. It's not easy, I not going to pretend it is, recovery is an upward battle. Sometimes you wonder if the war is worth fighting but then you remember the reasons you're doing it, the wonderful life that's there waiting for you to grab!

I wish there was a secret, a way that would just make it all happen and be possible more quickly. My inpatient consultant frequently said she wished there was a magic wand she could wave to make it all go away. The thing that I've found really helps is getting perspective and distance from your inner demons and remembering what's important in your life. I want to be able to make a difference in the world, I want to help people and do something that means something. I know that the only way I'm going to be able to do that is if I can stay well. I'm not letting some stupid eating disorder get the better of me and stop me from being able to do that. Arguably I'm not really sure how I'm going to take on the world and make a difference but fingers crossed I can start through my writing. I hope there are people out there reading my blog and getting something from it. Fingers crossed I can continue to use the medium of writing to at least keep me on the straight and narrow... if nothing else! The thing is, there's no right way to do recovery, there's no right way to go off and save the world but I'm going to just work out my own way of getting there. Perhaps not immediately but slowly but surely.

So... what now? 

The plan for the moment is to keep going as I'm going at the moment. I'm going to really find the things that make me happy and do more of them; find a yoga class in Suffolk to go to, keep doing exciting things at work, spend more time outside, spend more time with my family, just enjoy living a normal life that doesn't need to involve hospital!

I don't think this kind of indifference is ok

It was dubbed the fight of the century, a must see, yet I was left feeling really mixed about the idea of supporting/viewing an event that featured a winner whose past contains a series of domestic violence accusations and convictions. The fight saw a battle to two highly commended sportsman, but I found it hard to focus on the quality of the two boxers when there was something obviously wrong with the fight, well obvious to me, that Mayweather's violence hasn't been restricted to the boxing ring. According to CNN, Mayweather has had at least seven assaults against women that resulted in arrest or charges in addition to numerous other occasions where the police were called but no charges were pressed. Unfortunately, in my opinion, today a serial abuser was rewarded for his violence because it was unleashed in an appropriate way.

It's really difficult because arguably Mayweather has 'paid' for what he did, in part, by serving prison sentences, paying fines and doing community service; yet it still feels wrong that this seemingly clears the slate for him. I believe that individuals should be given a second chance and the opportunity to be rehabilitated after commiting a crime, yet it feels like Floyd Mayweather has done less than would be required to have the crimes he has committed swept under the carpet. It doesn't sit well for me, especially as he is someone who is paid to use the fists that he has repeatedly used to beat women with. I will not be joining in with the collective indifference to Mayweather's past, I will not be joining in the celebrations for his win,  I will be thinking of the women he assaulted and not have anything to do with a sport that will happily turn a blind eye to a violent nature outside of the ring.

I realise this is a more contraversial blog post than usual, these views are my own and I respect that others may feel differently and are entitled to different opinions. 

And that ladies and gentlemen is a wrap

So there we go, now is my time to leave the Naomi program and begin the rest of my life. When I arrived on Naomi I was completely under the control of my eating disorder and the lies it told me, I didn’t believe recovery existed and I didn’t believe that I was unwell enough to need to stay longer than my initial plan of six weeks. I’m so glad I have completed the Naomi program, I’m proud of everything I have achieved and I feel like I am definitely now on the road to recovery. I have achieved so much whilst I have been on the program and I’m really proud of the work I have done. I have grown in confidence, really worked on identifying my needs and how I can get them met, challenged unhelpful old system rules and core beliefs and gained so much more of an understanding of myself and my difficulties.

I have really taken a step away from my eating disorder and identified the underlying causes of it and worked on these meaning it has a low weaker grip on me. I can't thank the team and community enough for such amazing support. The last 9 months has consisted of some of the most challenging and difficult points of my life. I have battled against my eating disorder and really got to understand it, faced really difficult and sad times with my family and overall learnt a huge amount about myself. Despite my struggles, I feel I really have a different relationship with my eating disorder now and I've learnt to really be able to fight it.

My life really has changed and I can't thank all of the people who have supported me to get to this stage enough. I'm still the same person as I was at the start of the program, just a different version of myself, hopefully a better version that is less diluted by my illness. It's been a long road and it's not been easy but I feel like I've got what it takes to keep choosing recovery each day. Now the real work begins as I practice doing it independently, the prospect of the rest of my life is a little daunting but I will gradually work on it and become the best version of me that I can. I truly believe everyone can recover and sometimes it just takes the right support; like a seed the time, place and conditions must be right before germination can take place and the seed become a flower. I hope that this was and is my time to bloom.