Why I would feel safer if alcohol wasn't sold on trains

Feeling happy after a lovely day, prior to my train journey

After an incident on the line near Morpeth, I was facing a delay of 50 mins or more and the prospect of having to get a taxi from Peterborough to Ipswich as the delay meant we would miss the last connection. First problem, after a long day I was completely knackered and just wanting to get home. Secondly, after a minor taxi issue in first year of uni, I really struggle to be in taxi's on my own especially at night. Finally, I get travel sick, thankfully I rarely throw up these days but it makes for a very unpleasant journey. I was dreading the prospect of it all but knew it was the only way I was going to be able to get home and into bed with Stitch curled up beside me. These things happen, sometimes the transport system degrades into chaos due to unforeseen circumstances, it's life.

So I made myself comfy and tried to get into my book, Wild by Cheryl Strayed which I really recommend. I was settling in for the long haul, the train wasn't too busy and I was ready for my extended journey back home.

I was aware that the man sat beside me was fairly intoxicated but he seemed to be quite zonked out and not causing trouble. Perhaps I should have moved to a different seat on the train but it didn't occur to me as he wasn't causing any problem. About half an hour into my journey, another man stopped to talk to the guy sat behind me. He was visibly more drunk and after their brief conversation, I hoped he would just move on into another carriage. I kept reading my book, didn't look up or make eye contact, and tried to be as inconspicuous as a lone female on a train at quarter past nine in the evening can look. Of course, I was spotted and over he came, a hand on the seat in front and one on the seat beside me, blocking my escape route to the aisle. He asked if he could sit down, I replied that I didn't want him to, but of course he sat beside me practically on my bag.

It was fairly standard drunken rambling; 'you're so beautiful', 'you've got amazing blue eyes', 'has your Mum or Dad got blue eyes'. I continued to try and encourage him to leave without engaging in any conversation, eye contact e.t.c. It then escalated to him trying to touch my hair and face whilst asking if I had done my hair myself. He was getting closer and I was getting more panicky but also feeling quite frozen because I was so anxious. The train conductor walked past and made no attempt to aid me to get rid of the horrible man who was hassling me, I was disappointed with the East Coast staff member who could have done something to help. He then proceeded to get within about two inches of my face to tell me... 'you're as sexy as fuck'. Thankfully it was his parting comment and he then left to presumably go drink more or cause someone else discomfort. I was a little shaken and spent the rest of the journey very jumpy whenever someone came past me, worried it would be him coming back. I also felt too anxious to go to the loo on my own, again in case I bumped into the horrible drunk man again.

It frustrated me that about half an hour later, the train steward (unsure of technical term!) sold the first drunk man who was still behind me another carlsberg to add to his collection. It angers me that so much alcohol is sold on trains in such a unregulated way. I've been on plenty of journeys with other passengers who have been very drunk and subsequently partaking in anti social behaviour. In Scotland alcohol is banned on trains between 9pm and 10pm, perhaps only an hour of a drinking ban isn't particularly beneficial, but it's better than nothing. I think the rest of the UK should think about stopping selling alcohol on trains at least, it seems unlikely that any kind of ban will come into place. But I feel there would be a lot greater safety and potentially less incidents like the one I had to put up with if there wasn't alcohol on trains.

I'm not responding but I still really care

I normally have texts to reply to, facebook messages to read, letters I ought to be writing and sending but sometimes I just don't have the brain space to respond. It's hard when you have a day when you're feeling low or finding it hard to muster together the motivation to do all of the things you need to and then there's being sociable added in too.

When I was first admitted on to Naomi, I became a bit of a hermit, it was all too stressful and intense to think about any other aspect of life. I was attending to my needs and trying to get well; fighting the everyday battles, some of which took place in my own head. But throughout that time I appreciated the contact from my lovely friends and family. I couldn't quite manage to respond or get into conversations about how things were or what it was like, how I was doing. But I took a great amount of comfort from the friendly messages from the people I loved.

Now I'm in the real world, again I still have day's when socialising or getting in touch with people is just a little extra that is a bit of a struggle. The delight of replying to everyone, getting in touch but then getting replies and once again feeling a little snowed under is all too familiar. But again, it really really doesn't mean I don't care and don't want to talk to everyone, I'm just not quite up to speaking right at that second.

I realise it must be really hard to keep trying to message and talk to a friend who doesn't always reply, and no doubt a lot of my friends and family must have times where they think they won't bother to keep trying. But know that your friend/family member will reply when they have the brain space to, and they will definitely appreciate knowing you are there, care for them and will wait until they are ready to talk.

Hopefully that rambling makes a little sense!

A carrot on the end of a stick

Photographs by Lizzie @elizabeebeebee

Recovery is a hard journey, that much is clear but how do you hold on to the reasons you're doing it and manage to get through the dark and difficult times. When I began my recovery journey, I wasn't totally sure I wanted to be well. I was advised and subsequently talked a lot about 'giving it a go and deciding at the end whether I wanted to continue to recover or not'. It was something that filled my family with trepidation, would I make the decision to stay well or would I opt for the eating disorder again. I *think* I'm continuing to make that recovery focused choice each day, it's hard but it is achievable if you break everything into bite-sized (ironic I know) chucks and tackle the little bits as they arise rather than focusing on the end goal all of the time.

Photographs by Lizzie @elizabeebeebee

Something that did help me was thinking about an obtainable goal that I could achieve at the end, post discharge *if* I made the decision to stay well, my carrot on the stick (ironic again I know) was to aim to be able to get back in the saddle and riding again. Animals have always been such a big part of my life, from working in the veterinary work to having a whole heap of lovely pets. Horse riding was an obvious goal, something I adore and have done in the past and something that absolutely requires health, concentration, strength, stamina... all the things that I could gain from a healthy body as opposed to an unhealthy one. Riding is also a time where I'm completely unaware of my body, ok obviously I have to be aware of my position, posture and what my body is doing as opposed to how it feels in an ED way. There's absolutely no time available to bodycheck or think about what other people may be thinking about my appearance when you're riding without stirrups and concentrating on where your leg should be to ensure you're not going to fall off!

When I started as an inpatient on Naomi, I was so physically unwell. My body was exhausted from all of the damage I had done to it over the years of my eating disorder. I was then put on modified bed rest because of the unhealthy relationship I had with activity. When I eventually got to go for my first walk around the grounds with staff, I struggled to keep up and nearly didn't make it the whole way round. I didn't really imagine how much different life could be, what it would be like to regain my health and fitness and get back to being able to enjoy activity in a non-driven way. I'm also mindfully running the race for life... insert shameless bid of sponsorship here!

My plans to horse ride really helped my to think about recovery in a more mechanical way. I needed to eat a certain amount to enable my body to repair which would then allow me to ride again. It helped me to have a really SMART goal to work towards.

Photographs by Lizzie @elizabeebeebee

I'm so happy to have been able to go for my second riding lesson today and I've actually improved a bit. My body is doing what I want it to, I'm getting stronger in different ways and it's allowing me to build a bond with a wonderful, if cheeky pony!

So what's my kind of take home message of today. Think about something you'd like to achieve, it could be something you used to do or something new. Try and think about something that's achievable, picking running the London Marathon if you've never run before might be a little bit of a step too far, but think about something that you could do if you really focused on your recovery. It doesn't have to be recovery from an eating disorder, it could be any mental health condition that has prevented you from being able to do something that you adore and love in your life. Once you've decided on your goal, tell people about it, get excited, get pictures all over the walls and keep that carrot on the stick firmly in your sights so you can grab it when the time is right. And once you reach your goal, mark it and celebrate it, then get working on the next one. Mine is clearly to move up from my 1 foot jumps to something a little bigger or maybe a few in a row!

Please follow me by clicking on the bloglovin button to the right, and feel free to comment and share your carrot or get in touch with me to talk about my blog/ideas/feedback/suggestions.

Stay strong wonderful people xx

Switch on the light!

I can't remember how I initially got involved with Body Gossip, I seem to remember it started with a tweet and a link to the incredible 'This one's for you' video. I got talking to Ruth and Tash, and later Sarah and Charlotte; and eventually made plans for Body Gossip on Tour @ York University 2011. I had a wonderful time putting on the 'show' and looking back, I can now see how my involvement and the friendships I developed with Team BG became an instrumental part of my own recovery journey. The wonderful body gossipers showed me that recovery from a mental illness (mainly an eating disorder) was possible and the process of doing so could then be used to help so many others. I think it was a real point for me where I began to think about the life I could be leading... granted it took me quite a few years to then get the support I needed for my own eating disorder and be able to openly talk about it to my family and friends, but these gals really helped me to realise that I wanted to recover... so thanks!!

Anyway, since BGOT@York, Tash has become a bit of a celeb, I knew her before she was on the telly box and my claim to fame can now be that I drank room wine and ate McDonalds with her before she was famous! Anyway, Tash is now part of the absolutely rocking Self Esteem Team who are basically the Charlie's Angels of mental health; travelling the country educating young people on mental health issues, kicking the arse of stigma and generally just do an amazing job for young people they work with.

Their awesome new #SwitchOnTheLight campaign aims to encourage men to talk about their feelings because of the high rate of male deaths to suicide in this country. It's amazing, the video is amazing and hopefully it will do the job of helping men to realise it's ok to not be ok and talk about that.

So watch the video, share the video or one of your male friends or family members how they really are.

Here's why I've spent the day throwing stuff out...

I've had some amazing blog requests which I will get started on tomorrow. Please click on the contact me box to the right hand side if you're got any suggestions for a blog topic. Anyway, as it's only just still Thursday (I'm sure it will be Friday by the time I'm finished... I thought I ought to sneak in a quick blog so I'm vaguely keeping up with my promised blog a day for #MHAW2015. The reason for my lack of blog any earlier than now is that I've been having a major spring clean.

I have way too much stuff, something that has become apparent over the time of living away from home and then being in hospital for 9 months, my piles of stuff have accumulated and there's definitely bits I really don't need that could be donated to charity or sold on ebay. This part was the simple part, have I used this in the last year- if not in the charity bag, simple!

Then came the tricky part, the clothes. Now, having been unwell for a number of years and having lost weight, restored weight and repeat; I have clothes in a range of sizes for different stages of illness. Now, some of these clothes are definitely not clothes that I can wear if I am well or healthy, some of them are absolutely relapse clothes. It was a difficult decision to make to get rid of them all, I wanted to but I only part committed, throwing out the worst ones but not fully wanting to accept the fact that if I am going to continue with my stab at recovered life, there are just some items I won't be wearing again.

Today I made that commitment to get rid of any of the clothes I own that aren't the right size for me. I'm going to give the less sellable ones to charity and put the rest on ebay, the proceeds will be spent on clothes that fit me and my recovered life. I don't think you can properly continue with recovery with the ghosts of illness past in your wardrobe so I urge anyone who has any pre-recovery clothes to work to get rid of them, then you won't be facing a trigger and temptation everyday.

Life is one big transition

Today I'm blogging about a topic chosen by my lovely friend Naomi, you should follow her on twitter @Naomi_Barrow, she talks a lot of sense and is an awesome activist and fabulous lady. Anyway, Naomi suggested I talked about transitions for today's #MHAW2015 post.

Now seems the perfect time to talk about transitions, as I am mid-transition myself between being an inpatient and out in the real world again (12 days free). At the same time I've gone from living in York (student accommodation pre-hospital) and now I'm back to living at home for a while. Transitions are hard, especially for someone who is mental health concerns or needs to think about. I've come up with a list of my top tips for managing transitions.


Top tips for smooth(er) transitions:

• Work out your time scale- think about the time scale before your move/transition and work out the time frame you will have to ensure everything you need is in place. Try not to leave things until the last moment if you can.

• Make sure you have a support network at home who are aware of your mental health e.t.c. Making appointments and having to start afresh with someone new can be really stressful, but if they've already had some information and an idea of the kind of support you will need can be really helpful. It can also be good to have a named person where you will be so you know in advance who you'll need to talk to if you are struggling. 

• Plan ahead- as part of my relapse prevention work, I had a meal plan for the first week of being out in the real world. Having ideas of what you will eat, how you will manage your time and the kind of activities you can do if you are at a loss or struggling can be really helpful. Have some kind of notebook/folder with all of that information in is also really helpful as you will have a go-to emergency guide. I had things like a back to basics meal plan (a week of food), back to basics weekly structure (things I needed to do over the week as a minimum if I was low in mood or motivation), emergency meal plan (for one day) and emergency activities plan. 

• Get yourself a distress tolerance box- I'll do another post about distress tolerance boxes, they really are amazing. But essentially they're a go-to place when you're struggling with things that will soothe you, distract you and generally help you bring intense emotions back down to somewhere more manageable.  Your box could include pictures that make you happy, distraction lists, nice smelly things, touchy feely things and reasons for recovery/to not use a self destructive behaviour. There's scope for them to contain anything really, it's just a place to keep all the helpful things you know work for you together.

• Remember you don't have to do it alone- Talk to friends, professionals and family members. Try and let them know the things you might feel difficult and ways they might be able to help you if you're struggling. Keep letters or notes ready that you can give to people if you're struggling with a guide of how to support you on it. 

These are just a few thoughts, it's not a definitive list but hopefully it's a few things to think about. I suppose life is all one big transition and the key is to think about how you can manage them, once you've got a good set of skills you can use them in a variety of different settings. Transitions are hard but they are possible, keep going my lovely mental health warriors! 

Mental Health Awareness Week 2015

Yesterday was crazy busy so unfortunately I didn't get chance to write my post on the first day of Mental Health Awareness week 2015. Raising awareness for mental health is so important to me, for obvious reasons! I think it's vital that people are aware of mental health and that it becomes less of a taboo subject or area where people feel uncomfortable or uneasy because they just don't really understand or know what to stay. There's such a problem with the *unsaid* and I really feel it's something that, if rectified, could really lead to more people getting support earlier or feeling able to say when they are struggling.

This year, the focus for #MHAW2015 is Mindfulness. Whilst I was an inpatient for my eating disorder, I got to practice a lot of mindfulness and found that it made up a really large part of my recovery journey. Mindfulness enabled me to manage my thoughts and feelings in a different and healthier way. Rather than trying to exert control over everything, I was able to notice, accept and move on from my thoughts; being able to do this was particularly helpful with managing my eating disordered thoughts, noticing them, accepting them for what they are (eating disordered crap) and being able to not give them the time of day that my illness wanted them to have. It enable me to be mindful rather than having a mind that was full of things I didn't want to be there. I was able to just 'be' in the present rather than stuck in my head.

A common misconception of mindfulness is that it is some weirdy meditative activity, put simply mindfulness is about focusing on the current moment and not letting the past or present get in the way of it. For me, breathing mindfulness exercises are brilliant if I am feeling stressed or anxious, they really help me to clear my head and have one focus rather than lots of different ideas whizzing through my mind.

My plan is to blog as much as possible this week and help raise awareness and stuff for MHAW2015!