Girl overheard

I went for a swim this afternoon and whilst getting changed I heard a mother and daughter having a conversation. A sibling had stated that the (I presume) youngest needed to learn to float better in order to not have to swim with the aid of arm bands, which she seemed keen to be rid of. Initially it seemed like a fairly inane conversation until the little girl responded. She replied, saying 'My bum's too big for me to float, do I need to lose weight Mummy?'. It really saddened me that a child, so young, was questioning if she needed to lose weight. It made me feel really sad that she had obviously heard conversations about weight that had led her to mimic what she had heard. Arguably, she probably didn't realise what she was saying, but it still made me sad that she had thought of it.

As usual, the timing of my little bit of ear-wigging came soon after I had seen this article from The Huffington Post.

Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul- Sarah Koppelkam

The basic premise of her video is that body-talk isn't really necessary and that the focus should be on what you can do with your body rather than how it should and shouldn't look. As I've ranted about in previous blogs, there is such a focus on fat-shaming, thin-shaming... you name it, discussions about bodies that really aren't necessary and can do so much damage to young people.

Rant of the day.

International Happiness Day and a call to arms!

A picture of 'The Retreat Grounds' I took recently that makes me happy

Happy International Happiness Day

Yesterday was International Happiness Day, a day created by the UN to help people to remember the importance of happiness and wellbeing as 'universal goals in the lives of human beings around the world and the importance of their recognition in public policy objectives'- UN 2012. I find it interesting to think of happiness and wellbeing being linked on such a large institutional scale, something that I think is vitally important but often missed.

I also wanted to test the water from some guest bloggers or interviews for my blog or even requested content or topics. My blog has gone over the 3800 views mark but I'm keen to drum up some more followers and interest in what I'm writing. I'd like to throw the option out there for some suggestions of where you'd like me to go next and also ask anyone who would be interested, if they could share my blog or drop me a quick follow as I'd love to get a bit more visible and hopefully get to 4000 views and a lot more followers by the end of April! So please drop me a comment if you'd be interested in getting involved. I'm also thinking of adding an ask button of some sort for ideas and questions! 

Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings

So as usual, I'm a little bit behind the times with my post about International Women's day, which took part on 8th March. For me, IWD is such an important day in terms of feminism and general gender equality. Cheris Kramarae author co-author of the Internation Encyclopedia of Women almost perfectly sums up my view of feminism in that it is:

'...the radical notion that women are human beings.'

I'm proud to be a feminist but yet I feel there's a really bad name for those who choose to identify as one. I think feminism is not only vital to continue to champion rights for women, but it is also essential for men to gain equality too. I think there still lies and great deal of inequality for women in many areas of life such as work and politics. I'm proud to believe in a collective movement that has gained so much for women and really closed in on the gap between the sexes. As Laura Pankhurst, the great great-grand daughter of Emmeline Pankhurst rightly put it when interviewed for the BBC at the London International Women's Day equality march, gaining women the vote was the first step on a long journey towards a real equality between the sexes with education, childcare, parenting the the prevention of violence towards women being but a few of the areas in which injustices still exist.

I think my issue with some aspects of radical feminism isn't the shortsightedness in the view that feminism is a women's issue. Gender inequality is faced by both men and women and I feel that we all need feminism regardless of our gender to help put a stop to inequality for both of the sexes and for individuals who view themselves to fit out of our fairly outdated binary gender system. I think if feminists view the 'cause' as purely for women, they become part of the problem of inequality that sits at the real heart of it all.

A key area of concern, I feel, is the inequality in care for those who suffer from eating disorders. The NICE guidelines showed that 1.6 million people in the UK were affected by eating disorders in 2004 and 11% of them were men. in 2007 the NHS Information Centre found that in a snapshot survey of individuals over 16 in the UK, an alarming 6.4% had a problem with food. The problem is that this figure is considered to only be the tip of the iceberg as there are a huge amount of sufferers who are very 'high functioning' and do not receive or seek support for their disorders. The worrying fact is that a majority of eating disorder inpatient services, which are highly oversubscribed already, offer services aimed primarily at women. Men are being missed, and for me that is a real example of gender inequality that is just one example of the problems faced at the moment, something that I feel needs urgent attention. I wish there was a simple and quick fix answer or solution to gender inequality but unfortunately I think it will be an important area of work for a long while yet. I think the key would be to focus on what feminism can do for all individuals rather than adding to the problem by only focusing on women.

I am very lucky to have been surrounded by some wonderful and strong women throughout my life. The women who have loved me, inspired me, supported me and helped me to become the person I am today. I am so incredibly blessed to have had you all in my life and love you all more than I can express. If I can be just a little like you all, then I think I'll be doing fairly well.












Follow me on Bloglovin

You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome- Patch Adams

I watched Patch Adams today, starring the wonderful Robin Williams. The films is about Hunter Doherty 'Patch' Adams, an American Physician who founded the Gesundheit institute in 1971. The film tells the story of how Adams, whilst an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital following a suicide attempt, made a link between individuals mood and wellbeing and their recovery from physical illness. The key to treating patients was to do so in a holistic manner, looking at their health in terms of their family, community and the world around them. The film was semi-biographical, Patch Adams a real doctor and activist and generally inspirational man.

The real Patch Adams at the Gesundheit Institute

The story of Patch Adams really interested me as it seemed to have similarities to the history behind The Retreat, where I am currently an inpatient... just many hundreds of years earlier. The Retreat was opened in 1796, pioneering humane and moral treatment for those with mental health problems. It became a model for asylums all over the world and really pioneered the reform of mental health treatment. The Retreat was opened by William Tuke following the death of Leeds Quaker, Hannah Mills, who died in York Asylum in 1790 in appauling conditions. Tuke and his family vowed that never again a Quaker should endure the treatment that Hannah Mills had suffered; gradually the hospital catered for all individuals and retained the essence of the early views of moral treatment for patients.

Robin Williams in 'Patch Adams' 

Holistic treatment for those with mental health problems has always been something I have felt really strongly about. Through my own experiences and seeing the experiences of others, it seemed so glaringly obvious that the only way someone could recover from a mental illness was if they were treated as a whole individual, not just helped by firefighting their symptoms. For me, the real start of my recovery from my eating disorder and first time I have properly made progress with making real changes came from being at The Retreat. 

Interestingly, in this year 's 'Sock it to eating disorders' campaign masterminded by B-eat, a new report into the chose of eating disorders to the UK economy was launched. It indicated how inconsistent treatment was for individuals across the country and the outcome of this was eating disorders costing the national economy tens of billions of pounds. The report outlines B-eat's views on early intervention and focused treatment for individuals and a more holistic treatment of individuals with eating disorders. 

I think a lot of eating disorder treatment focuses on stabilising individuals but doesn't work on the psychological aetiology of their illness or working on making their lives recovery focused to help prevent them from relapsing by giving them real purpose and meaning through the activities that they take part in and do. For me, this has been the key to embarking on the road to recovery, it's been about all of me, not just the illness. 

For those who are recovery in different settings, try and look at the bigger picture and move the focus away from the minute details of your illness. If you can't see your reasons for recovery and the things you can get from recovery, then the focus remains so inward and recovery is so much more challenging.

214 days later

Today, on the Friday of EDAW 2014 (eating disorders awareness week), is the 214th day of my admission into 'The Retreat' in York for my eating disorder. Today I managed to enter the hospital's bake off competition with a cake I had made... at the last bake off, held in September, I had managed to only just stay in the room because of the strength of the smell of the cakes. A lot has changed in the last 31 (approx.) weeks. I would love to say that I'm recovered but that wouldn't be true at all, but I can safely say I'm well on the start of the long journey that will  be my recovery from my eating disorder. Eating disorder awareness week is an important week of raising awareness and funds mainly for the UK eating disorder charity B-eat who do a really amazing job of supporting and helping those with eating disorders. Eating disorders are a condition that can affect anyone at any time in their lives. I have had the privaledge to complete my journey on the 'Naomi program' with some of the strongest women I have ever met. 

Eating disorders come in all different varieties. I think the common misconception is that eating disorders only affect young, white women who choose to restrict their food intake until they are very underweight. Weight isn't an indication of how unwell a person is. During the time I have had my eating disorder, I have been a variety of different weights and even though I am now maintaining a healthy weight, I still very much have an eating disorder. 

For me, my eating disorder wasn't really about the food or my weight. It has/had a lot more functions than I ever realised but I'm now learning a new way of life and slowly but surely I'm fighting for the life I want to be living and the future I want. I think of eating disorders like having a glass of fruit juice that's been diluted. The sufferer is the fruit juice and their eating disorder is the water. The eating disorder dilutes the person until it's hard to see them but with help they can find themselves again and gradually get more concentrated. The person is there, it can just be hard to see them. I've blogged about my eating disorder before and I encourage people to read and to learn more about eating disorders. They aren't the stereotypes that are shown to us in the media e.t.c. they are so different from person to person and unfortunately there isn't any one cure for them. 

Dog walking after Christmas, learning to love the 'recovered me'

When I agreed to come on to the Naomi program, I had agreed to be here for 6 weeks. Six weeks has become what will be nine months as an inpatient, something I really didn't think I needed when I started this part of my journey. It's funny, I thought I could do a quick fix of treatment and be better. I am so glad I stayed and am on the way to completing the full Naomi program. I've learnt so much about myself and so many really useful skills that I really hope will equip me to be really recovered one day. I believe I will be and I urge anyone who is worried about their relationship with food to get help. It's so worth it to not have to be completely controlled by food and be able to actually experience life. B-eat have recently completed some research into the cost of eating disorders in the UK and an overwhelming message is that earlier interventions and help would reduce the amount of money spent on eating disorder treatment... in other words, if you seek support earlier you can get well quicker. 

For me, recovery is becoming a norm that often I don't really like but can manage. It's not all rosy and nicey-nicey, sometimes it's rubbish but the promise of it not being rubbish forever keeps me going. You can't experience the good without having to experience the difficult too and I am sure I want to strive for the good! 

I'm tired so no doubt my blog tonight might be a bit of a waffly muddle, but hopefully I will have come close to doing justice to what an important topic this is! 

Acceptance is a small, quiet room

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realise there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room. - Cheryl Strayed

I've been looking for some inspiration for a new blog post for a while and sought out ideas from friends, basically I've ruminated on the idea for far too long! I think perfectionistic tendencies have once again hampered my creative process and got me a bit stuck. I think writing scares me. It all ties in with the work we’re doing about self compassion at the moment. The internal self-critic screams at me to not bother, leave it, don’t try; because if I do try then I’m destined to fail. It won’t be good enough. But then… what is good enough? How can I ever be good enough based on all the unfair comparisons I make? I'll write some more about Compassionate Mind Training by the brilliant Paul Gilbert in another blog, it's really interesting and seems to be a bit of a turning point in my recovery from my eating disorder.

At the moment, I think, I just need to try and go with it; read and write as much as I can to try and find my voice. It sounds so cheesy, but I know the basic skill and understanding is there deep down. I just need to hone in on it and keep learning, exploring and developing. I'm reading a brilliant book at the moment, lent to me at the start of my inpatient admission by a fellow patient called Writing as a Way of Healing-by Louise DeSalvo; it talks about the healing power of writing and how it can transform your life and help you to reclaim yourself from the stories that have made you the person you are. I want to write to learn about myself and  find myself; to put the past to rest, be in the present and enjoy the future as it comes. I want to write to help people and become the person I am destined to be. I don’t know where to start or how to do it really, but I will find my way through it somehow I think.

I've had sparks of inspiration now and again but I think most of these can fall into two main categories, the depths of darkness that happen in the world and the beautiful moments of hope and humanity.

On Tuesday I saw the film Wild with my wonderful bestie. Wild is Cheryl Strayed’s memoir of her 1100 mile trek along the Pacific Crest Trail from the Mojave Desert to the border with Washington State. She starts her journey after struggling to deal with difficult challenges in her life and makes all sorts of personal and spiritual realisations along the way. It was a really beautiful film and I left feeling a rekindled desire to find a way to write more. The timing of seeing the film was sadly right before a personal family loss which made the idea of writing to heal and process even more poignant.

I suppose this entry acts as the start of me resuming blogging. I hope to gain more followers, share more ideas and help people if I can.

Kate xx

If you want to buy any of the books I've mentioned, see below:

You've got the love I need to see me through

So... as a mental health blogger, I have always alluded to the fact I have experiences of mental health issues but haven't been fully open about it all. It just wasn't the right time and I think there's always a right time for these kind of things, and that seems like now. Plus, it's a chance to let my friends know where I'm going to be for the next month and a half. 

I've decided that being a human can be tricky, there's no manual that lets you know how to deal with different situations and sometimes it would be really lovely if there was something to refer back to when times are hard. I've developed some rather maladaptive coping mechanisms over the years and it's surprising to see how quickly the odd things you do every now and again can catch up with you. It can take a while before you think your little quirks are actually turning into a bit of a problem. 

I hate labels with an almighty burning passion. I think, especially for my variety of maladaptiveness, a label can be something that burdens you. I've found myself in the uncomfortable criteria of disordered eating. It's interesting that when you have a difficulty with food, the thing that becomes key to whether you're going to receive support and treatment is your BMI. Now if I ruled the world, BMI could go and die in a hole, BMI is a stupid measure! It doesn't take into account muscle mass and hydration, whether you've peed or not... and above all it doesn't measure anything within your head. The key to an eating disorder is that in reality it's nothing about food or weight at all. The food behaviours and weight changes are a symptom of an underlying problem... whether that's control, low self esteem, OCD... anything really. It makes me cross that the system we currently have relies on people being very poorly and underweight to receive the right treatment, I think treatment should start early and work to help people BEFORE they reach that point... but I suppose that's an argument for another time. 

So... I went from worrying a little about my weight, to being totally encompassed mentally and physically with an eating disorder. One of the ways I've tried to describe it to friends, family and professionals before is like that kind of conscience feeling when you leave the house and you know you've forgotten something; that feeling deep in your stomach that something is amiss but you can't quite put your finger on what it might be. Well imagine that but the only way you can get rid of it is to place all of your self worth on what you're going to eat or not going to eat, what you weigh or should weigh or did weigh or will weigh... then imagine that feeling being the background of everything. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder... of course I'm just speaking for myself right now, everyone's experiences are different. But I think it is quite common for eating disorders to become very overpowering, the illusion of control controls you. It's like it's the filter in which everything in life has to pass through. To be quite honest it's exhausting. 

Now my friends and family are bloody amazing! They've put up with my 'battiness' for such a long time and have just been there for me and loved me throughout it, something I can't thank them enough for. I'm better than I was, but there's still a long way for me to go to stop reverting to my coping mechanisms as soon as life seems a bit scary. So I've been offered a really amazing opportunity, to spend some time in an inpatient program to have some really intensive treatment... fingers crossed I'll come out in 6 weeks and be a lot better than I am. I'm not content with being able to function WITH my eating disorder, I want to kick it's arse and be done with it. I'm bored of being poorly now, I want my life back and I've got a hell of a lot to be looking forward to that just isn't compatible with anorexia. So... starting on Monday 4th August, I'll be hanging out in 'food prison' for 6 weeks... hopefully I'll make the most of my little stint in rehab and come out and start the next chapter of my life with all the people I love and care about. 

Before I finish I just want to dispel a few eating disorder myths that are just pants: 

• Eating disorders are NOT just for white british teenage girls- anyone at any age and gender can be affected 
• You don't have to be visibly underweight to have an eating disorder- my rather distasteful joke has always been that I am a 'fat anorexic'. You can be very poorly and outwardly still look ok. Weight is not a measure of how unwell someone is and is definitely not something you can use to tell if someone has an eating disorder
• Eating disorders are an illness and it's not something to be ashamed of- I spent a long time feeling embarrassed that I couldn't deal with food properly and that I wasn't able to be 'normal'. A massive part of me getting better has been to be able to be honest and say... actually I'm not ok, but I'm getting better. 
• You don't have to treat someone with an eating disorder differently, unless you fancy giving them extra love and hugs... thats totally ok! I'm still me, I'm just poorly right now, but I won't be forever. 
• Recovery is possible! And I'm going to do it! 

I urge anyone who is worried about their eating to seek help as soon as they can and if you don't get it, keep asking until you do. No-one deserves to be poorly! 

Love Kate xx

You can get support from the eating disorder charity B-eat and also Men Get Eating Disorders Too!