Acceptance is a small, quiet room

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realise there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room. - Cheryl Strayed

I've been looking for some inspiration for a new blog post for a while and sought out ideas from friends, basically I've ruminated on the idea for far too long! I think perfectionistic tendencies have once again hampered my creative process and got me a bit stuck. I think writing scares me. It all ties in with the work we’re doing about self compassion at the moment. The internal self-critic screams at me to not bother, leave it, don’t try; because if I do try then I’m destined to fail. It won’t be good enough. But then… what is good enough? How can I ever be good enough based on all the unfair comparisons I make? I'll write some more about Compassionate Mind Training by the brilliant Paul Gilbert in another blog, it's really interesting and seems to be a bit of a turning point in my recovery from my eating disorder.

At the moment, I think, I just need to try and go with it; read and write as much as I can to try and find my voice. It sounds so cheesy, but I know the basic skill and understanding is there deep down. I just need to hone in on it and keep learning, exploring and developing. I'm reading a brilliant book at the moment, lent to me at the start of my inpatient admission by a fellow patient called Writing as a Way of Healing-by Louise DeSalvo; it talks about the healing power of writing and how it can transform your life and help you to reclaim yourself from the stories that have made you the person you are. I want to write to learn about myself and  find myself; to put the past to rest, be in the present and enjoy the future as it comes. I want to write to help people and become the person I am destined to be. I don’t know where to start or how to do it really, but I will find my way through it somehow I think.

I've had sparks of inspiration now and again but I think most of these can fall into two main categories, the depths of darkness that happen in the world and the beautiful moments of hope and humanity.

On Tuesday I saw the film Wild with my wonderful bestie. Wild is Cheryl Strayed’s memoir of her 1100 mile trek along the Pacific Crest Trail from the Mojave Desert to the border with Washington State. She starts her journey after struggling to deal with difficult challenges in her life and makes all sorts of personal and spiritual realisations along the way. It was a really beautiful film and I left feeling a rekindled desire to find a way to write more. The timing of seeing the film was sadly right before a personal family loss which made the idea of writing to heal and process even more poignant.

I suppose this entry acts as the start of me resuming blogging. I hope to gain more followers, share more ideas and help people if I can.

Kate xx

If you want to buy any of the books I've mentioned, see below:

You've got the love I need to see me through

So... as a mental health blogger, I have always alluded to the fact I have experiences of mental health issues but haven't been fully open about it all. It just wasn't the right time and I think there's always a right time for these kind of things, and that seems like now. Plus, it's a chance to let my friends know where I'm going to be for the next month and a half. 

I've decided that being a human can be tricky, there's no manual that lets you know how to deal with different situations and sometimes it would be really lovely if there was something to refer back to when times are hard. I've developed some rather maladaptive coping mechanisms over the years and it's surprising to see how quickly the odd things you do every now and again can catch up with you. It can take a while before you think your little quirks are actually turning into a bit of a problem. 

I hate labels with an almighty burning passion. I think, especially for my variety of maladaptiveness, a label can be something that burdens you. I've found myself in the uncomfortable criteria of disordered eating. It's interesting that when you have a difficulty with food, the thing that becomes key to whether you're going to receive support and treatment is your BMI. Now if I ruled the world, BMI could go and die in a hole, BMI is a stupid measure! It doesn't take into account muscle mass and hydration, whether you've peed or not... and above all it doesn't measure anything within your head. The key to an eating disorder is that in reality it's nothing about food or weight at all. The food behaviours and weight changes are a symptom of an underlying problem... whether that's control, low self esteem, OCD... anything really. It makes me cross that the system we currently have relies on people being very poorly and underweight to receive the right treatment, I think treatment should start early and work to help people BEFORE they reach that point... but I suppose that's an argument for another time. 

So... I went from worrying a little about my weight, to being totally encompassed mentally and physically with an eating disorder. One of the ways I've tried to describe it to friends, family and professionals before is like that kind of conscience feeling when you leave the house and you know you've forgotten something; that feeling deep in your stomach that something is amiss but you can't quite put your finger on what it might be. Well imagine that but the only way you can get rid of it is to place all of your self worth on what you're going to eat or not going to eat, what you weigh or should weigh or did weigh or will weigh... then imagine that feeling being the background of everything. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder... of course I'm just speaking for myself right now, everyone's experiences are different. But I think it is quite common for eating disorders to become very overpowering, the illusion of control controls you. It's like it's the filter in which everything in life has to pass through. To be quite honest it's exhausting. 

Now my friends and family are bloody amazing! They've put up with my 'battiness' for such a long time and have just been there for me and loved me throughout it, something I can't thank them enough for. I'm better than I was, but there's still a long way for me to go to stop reverting to my coping mechanisms as soon as life seems a bit scary. So I've been offered a really amazing opportunity, to spend some time in an inpatient program to have some really intensive treatment... fingers crossed I'll come out in 6 weeks and be a lot better than I am. I'm not content with being able to function WITH my eating disorder, I want to kick it's arse and be done with it. I'm bored of being poorly now, I want my life back and I've got a hell of a lot to be looking forward to that just isn't compatible with anorexia. So... starting on Monday 4th August, I'll be hanging out in 'food prison' for 6 weeks... hopefully I'll make the most of my little stint in rehab and come out and start the next chapter of my life with all the people I love and care about. 

Before I finish I just want to dispel a few eating disorder myths that are just pants: 

• Eating disorders are NOT just for white british teenage girls- anyone at any age and gender can be affected 
• You don't have to be visibly underweight to have an eating disorder- my rather distasteful joke has always been that I am a 'fat anorexic'. You can be very poorly and outwardly still look ok. Weight is not a measure of how unwell someone is and is definitely not something you can use to tell if someone has an eating disorder
• Eating disorders are an illness and it's not something to be ashamed of- I spent a long time feeling embarrassed that I couldn't deal with food properly and that I wasn't able to be 'normal'. A massive part of me getting better has been to be able to be honest and say... actually I'm not ok, but I'm getting better. 
• You don't have to treat someone with an eating disorder differently, unless you fancy giving them extra love and hugs... thats totally ok! I'm still me, I'm just poorly right now, but I won't be forever. 
• Recovery is possible! And I'm going to do it! 

I urge anyone who is worried about their eating to seek help as soon as they can and if you don't get it, keep asking until you do. No-one deserves to be poorly! 

Love Kate xx

You can get support from the eating disorder charity B-eat and also Men Get Eating Disorders Too! 

Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

So... there has been a distinct silence coming from my blog in recent months. There's been a lot going on in my life, perhaps now isn't the time to get into that! But hey... lots has happened to distract me and keep me from writing. However I feel there is a need for me to get back into the swing of things and start posting a little more regularly. Not due to any sense of commitment to posting a certain number of blogs at specific intervals but more to encourage me to keep writing. Writing has become a big part of what I do day in, day out... but I want to make sure that writing for pleasure stays a big part of my life. I don't want to lose the sense of enjoyment and relaxation I get from writing down waffly ideas every now and again. 

I tend to keep a list of ideas and another folder in my bookmarks on my browser containing things I fancy writing about at some point. I had a look in my little inspiration list today and found a slightly peculiar article. I looked at it blankly and skimmed through it again wondering what past me had seen in this article about a catfish. It didn't dawn on me until I read the last line...

Be kinder than necessary 'cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

 If you read the article you'll see it's about a man called Bill Driver who saw a ball bouncing on the surface of a lake and wondered what it was, on closer inspection he found a catfish who had tried to eat the ball which then became stuck in his mouth. The poor cat fish was stuck, unable to get the ball out of its mouth and exhausted from trying to dive under water and being repeatedly brought back to the surface by the buoyancy of the ball. Without Bill and his wife Pam managing the puncture the ball and get it out of its mouth, the catfish would have probably died. The kindness of two passers by, of a totally different species saved the life of the catfish... it's only a fish you may say... but it was still an act of kindness to this creature. 

Now as soppy as I am, the fish story clearly made me feel happy knowing there are kind hearted people out there, it wasn't until I reached the quote (on my initial read) that it struck a chord with me. I know a lot of people with varying mental health problems, who on a day to day basis function fairly well... it's really amazing! But I think it's important to remember that even if people do seem to be fine and dandy on the outside (and this isn't just specific to mental health conditions), they may be dealing with something else on the inside and just hiding it well. I think the key is to make sure you treat everyone in a kind way... yeah as you would like to be treated yourself and all that jazz... but be mindful that they might be having a hard time on the inside and you could be the one who helps them through it by being kinder than necessary. 

Kate xx

That's what she said

My lovely sister shared this video this morning. It's really great. I urge you to watch. 

Widening my perspectives of the world

Telephonstolpar (telephone posts) By Erik Johansson

This week I listened in to a conversation between two very sweet old ladies. They were 88 and 83 years old and had a lot of life experience. One had been a staff nurse at a mental health hospital for predominantly her entire career and both were full of interesting stories and views of the world. They were discussing how sad it was that the youth of today were so distracted from real life by technology that they weren't out there getting jobs and earning for themselves. 

I was filled with a sense of agreement with some of what they were saying in that I could do with spending less time arsing about on the internet and doing something productive, but equally I didn't agree. For me my laptop is a gateway into the world and a way to show me how much more to life there is than what I see day to day. This evening we skyped our housemate in America and the ability to talk to her despite her being so far away was something I wished the two old ladies I had listened to had experienced. 

Arbete (work)- by Erik Johansson

Recently I've become slightly addicted to stumbleupon and I could easily spend hours aimlessly stumbling at pictures and interesting websites. I realise that this may prove the point that the internet is there for time wasting however being able to flick through places that inspire me and remind me that life won't remain the same forever fills me with some comfort. I'm just a small fish in a big pond and I just need to remember that there's a whole world out there ready for me to get exploring. I came across a photographer/artist named Erik Johansson who creates pictures that have different perceptions on what you are seeing. He describes his work as demonstrating what his mind sees and the pictures are really beautiful and I found them to be quite haunting too. There's something about the images that makes you stop and think about the world for the moment and wonder about some of the aspects of it. The main thing I took away from the pictures was the interaction between what is natural and what is man made and controlled- there seemed to be a wonderful message within the pictures of how interlinked both of those ideas are. Man control and interacts with a world that exists on its own but allows manipulation. 

Tonights blog seems to be a bit of a pile of different ramblings and thoughts. But hey... I'm running with it and I think I might be on to a couple of ideas that other less tired humans might be interested to read haha! My final parting thought is a quote. I'm clearly becoming the queen of quotes but I really like this one. Again it was something that I came across and it made me stop, pause and think for a moment. I think the things in life that make you stop and think are the most valuable especially in a society where we are all so busy all of the time. No wonder there are so many people struggling with there mental health, life moves too quickly to be properly processed so people revert to other ways to cope. 

 ... imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in - an interesting hole I find myself in - fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. ” Douglas Adams

Night night for now.

Love Kate x

Filling the damage with gold, history makes beauty

I read an interesting quote the other day... 

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.' 

Billie Mobayed

Life is not always that simple and we experience all sorts of things that make us feel damaged or broken. But in the long run I feel these things all add together to make us stronger people. We get stronger in the places we break because we have to fill those broken parts with something beautiful.

I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy about it

Tonights blog is probably going to turn out to be quite philosophical as I've just watched 'The History Boys' and am feeling quite mellow. Firstly I implore you to watch the film, as it really is truly fabulous! The quote I heard in it tonight which inspired me to sit and write something was the following: 

'I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy about it' - Posner (The History Boys; 2006)

 I felt there was a parallel here with experiencing mental health problems in the idea that often they can take some time to get over. The issues remain however the individuals ability to perceive them in what may be considered as a 'better' way changes. People with depression, for example, often have the condition over a period of time, but their ability deal with their experience and perception of it can change and take a more positive form. They may well not be happy but that unhappiness does not cause them further sadness.

I feel there is also a parallel with the outside perception of mental illness and conditions. On the inside people have something that isn't always obvious to others. They may not demonstrate an unhappiness about what is happening on the outside so often it can be difficult for people on the outside to complete understand what's going on. For all intents and purpose they may 'seem' completely 'normal'... whatever normal is.

I'm not really sure what the point is I'm trying to make. I think I just felt a sense of meaning from the quote that seemed to fit with my blog.

Mellow Kate over and out xx